Twerve Days of Baseball

The Epilogue at the Epicenter of the Epic

2005-06-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

Morgan, aka TinyGancer@clownpenis.fart:

One Final Listserve with a few moments & motions that stand-out in my mind:

1) That saying "you ever had your shit pushed in my a richer??" can be the funniest phrase ever uttered at 6am in a hotter-than-hell hostel in Chicago
2) Ed's furtive hand touching in the Kansas City Jayhawks pic. Scroll down a few entries and see for yourself...
3) The overall friendliness of people. Whether in the City of Brotherly Love (albeit the city that cheers gleefully when players get hurt) or in the City that MILF's Built (make that "Cities"), we were treated with warm and sincere hospitality--especially considering we had a furry woodland creature like Devo in tow. Once people learned and understood our "mission"--and yes, we had a mission--they reacted like our long-lost brothers and sisters. Offering us "Bronsons" (Kansas City for beer) and frozen broccoli (Airline Attendant for late-night snack).

Hek helps us find our way: "Over those tall, pointy ones, and then walk through the Lincoln Tunnel, and past the sea of twirly, swirly gumdrops..."

4) My gancing. It has freed my soul and liberated my spirit...And yes, I still have a girlfriend. Annie actually first saw my gancing in its infantile stages and provided me with the creative fuel I needed to keep going. You guys haven't seen the half of the half.

Keepin' it real in Steel City

5) The HandiVan. She was sturdy, sea-worthy, and true the whole trip through. When you're able to have leg room in a car that also occupies Nicholas Dutton-Swain, you thank your lucky stars. I'll miss you Handi, in all your glorious Handi-ness. G-- bless you.

We came. We most definitely came.

"The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers; it has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again"
-- Terrence Mann

Biggie:

Now that the van is safe and sound back in its home in "The Lake" (sounds like a new WB drama) I felt like saying my piece. Well when all is said and done, we visited 19 states and travelled over 3800 miles... to put that in perspective, that is 400 miles further than traveling from Allagash, ME to San Diego, CA (and more states too!).

Before we begin, a quick word from our sponsors...
Biggest surprise on the trip was PNC Park in Pittsburgh, very cool... great nightlife (or afternoon) near the park, great views of the bridges, river, and city, and solid field. Biggest disappointment was the Mets game, the only game we left before it was over, although I did get to eat a little sundae in a mini-helmet, and in the words of Hot Knees, it was "delish." Wrigley was definitely the park that everyone should see in their lifetime (much like Fenway) and Tequila Roadhouse should be experienced, since it was probably the craziest place we went, I wish we had pictures, but they wouldn't even be able to do it justice. Gates BBQ in KC was the best ballpark food, in my humble opinion, and the best game was definitely the power-stack filled, bobblehead slugfest in Cincinnati. My favorite Ginger on The Real Gilligan Island is probably Erika Eleniak, my favorite Inferno character is the new and improved reverse mowhawked Landon, from the Real World Philly (I saw where he lived!), and my favorite movie that I've seen in the last week is Batman Begins (Christopher Nolan is my hero).
My life has slowed down considerably since returning from the trip. I have decided to follow in the footsteps of Dr. Mortimer D. Sackler and attend Tufts University School of Medicine in the fall, so I have been busy trying to find an apartment that has suitable room for me to do my experiments. Seriously though, The Big Throwdown: Three Fast, Three Furious is approaching... furiously, and still trying to coordinate visitors from such locales as Boulder, CO, Akron, OH, and Gay Head, MA. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading our travels as much as we enjoyed writing about them, and I'm definitely considering blogging my first year in med school, if I have any free time, so stay tuned. As always, dear reader, visit the links and the sponsors, and have yourself a twerverrific day.

Eric:

Take 2. Just tried to post and it didn't save. I am an idiot.

Since I have returned from Twerve, I have reverted back to one of my former aliases, Silent Devo (only the reason this time is much different than it was at Phish New Year's Eve 2000). The main thing on my mind has been getting back my MCAT score, so I have been trying to avoid people a) so as not to jinx myself and b) so I wouldn't have to tell people that I suck if I didn't do well. Thank the lucky stars that I did well enough that I have a decent shot of getting into an accredited medical school North of the Carribbean.

I have also moved into a new apartment with the help of the Handi Van (bless her soul). We made it in only 2 trips (thanks to some help from Mess). The Handi can fit a queen size mattress in her hull. Unreal... In celebration of the new place/MCAT results/my belated birthday, we are having a BBQ. Anyone interested come hang out.

All I can say to sum up the trip is thank you Twerve, thank you fellow travellers, and thank you gracious hosts for showing us your cities and a good time. I can't wait to talk about Twerve in my med. school interviews.

Signing off...

Ed:

To quote one of our "Songs of the Trip" (which, in turn was sampling from another song):

"Diamonds are forever,
They won't leave in the night,
I've no fear that they might desert me."

Yes, we saw a lot of baseball diamonds, and while they all might not last forever (perhaps with the exception of Wrigley), the majesty baseball and our memories of Twerve will. Even if the Giant's and A's can't break .500 this year.

But that aside, we had a twervriffic time on the road, and would suggest that everyone take some sort of trip to look for America, in whatever medium they choose, doesn't have to be baseball. Churches, concerts, capitols, richer's houses. Whatever.

And now that I have moved (yes, 3 of the 4 of us have relocated since the trip, and the 4th will be in a new apartment before the end of the summer), I have finally begun to organize all of our various footage taken. I've finished up a short preview of gancing, which should hopefully be up at gancing.com by the end of the weekend. Soon to follow after that, a trailer of "Twerve: The Movie," followed in due time by the real deal-- "Twerve: The Movie." For those of you who enjoyed hearing about our misadventures, we hope that this will put an end to your living through us vicariously, and let you experience the trip from the comfort of your own DVD player. So stay tuned, and check gancing.com frequently for more info...

So for now, we've rejoined the real world. But should anyone get the urge to drop what they're doing and take off on an impromptu trip, we're probably some good people to recruit... Until then, be twerve to the world, and the world will be twerve to you.

"Hot Knees, I’m lost," I said, though I knew he was sleeping.
I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why.
Counting the cars on the New jersey turnpike,
They’ve all gone to look for America,
All gone to look for America,
All gone to look for America.

-TWERVE-

The Final Countdown

2005-06-23T10:45:00.000-07:00

MoJo:
It's been about Twerve Days since we returned from the Twerve Days of Baseball roadtrip. Given time to reflect and review, we will be publishing our final Twerve Blog very soon. The trip was an eventful, emotional, and inspirational roller-coaster. Many highs, a few lows, and lots of AMC (Awkward Man Contact). Douche Chill!!
Speaking of that, I will leave you with today's moment of Zen:

How jealous is A-Rod right now??!!

Mojonation.Blogspot.com

If a Blog Goes on the Internet and There Is No One There to Read It, Does It Still Make a Webpage?

2005-06-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

ED:

Hello? Does anyone still read this thing? I guess it doesn’t bode well that I seemed to have forgot that this existed, but I must just hope that there are still a few furry woodland creatures who check in from time to time. Since the last time I’ve blogged, we have arrived home, seen our last game, had a roof top party that contributed to our neighbors being kicked out of our building, plus -- I have moved, contracted the flu, slept for 16 hours in one night, seen Batman Begins (Christopher Nolan is the man), and mostly recovered from said flu.

As I write this, I am sipping a fine glass of Pinot and preparing for the upcoming party at Andrew “Uncle Shotgun” Dombrowski’s. And sitting in Bridget and my new apartment (is that correct grammar, it took me three minutes to word that and it still sounds wrong) which is missing a wall, table, and some lighting, but is “homey” nonetheless…

Outside of the Real World Philadelphia House We Pondered That Eternal Question: "What Would Landon Do" (WWLD)

So, what is there left to discuss about Twerve, you ask? Well, what about the fine people outside of the Northeast? All the “red state” dwelling, god fearing religers out there in the middle? I must say that for the most part (swearing dad’s, not-withstanding) there are some fine folk out in the middle. For some flight attendants, drunk Kansans, bachelorettes, and students out drinking the day before taking their finals to take in 4 dirty, smelly Twerves wearing their last pair of shorts and baseball t-shirts acquired by signing up for credit cards under assumed names, is to be commended, if not ultimately discouraged. (Dads out there, may I suggest teaching your daughters not to bring home the likes of us, for we may fall asleep on their aerobeds. Ewww.)

Midwesterners Have a Sick Sense of Humor...

So thank you all out there in Middle America. (Though, flight attendants, we still await our pictures from your apartment, and word on what Kelly Johnson things of the blog—by the way, congratulations to Kelly on his first major league homer. And it looks like Mr. Teahen has been tearing it up recently as well. What can I say, we are good luck.) But I digress, as always. So, as a group of merry, foul-mouthed puppets once sang, “America, fuck yeah! ... it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow.”

They also sang “America, FUCK YEAH! So lick my butt, and suck on my balls.” But that somehow seemed less relevant. Or appropriate... And yikes, I think I just scared away our under-8 readership…

So for now, I leave you with this mind-scratcher that Morgan and I bid adieu to a couple of nice young ladies with last night at Ryan’s Daughter on the Upper East Side: If you could do one celebrity, who would it be?

My answer?

Most definitely Christian Slater.

What? Did I just write that?

Shit, the backspace button stopped working right now! FUCK! Oh well, I give up…

By the way, I apologize for the long, rambling, overly-compound sentences. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t even understand what I’m saying half the time.

Good night…

AND BE ON THE WATCHOUT FOR GANCING.COM!!!

DO YOU GANCE?

Shameless Plugs

2005-06-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

MORGAN:

Rule #74: Never blog on an empty stomach.

However, I am making an exception to this very important rule because I had a few near-death experiences biking back from Ed's place on the Upper West side. I was biking on sidewalks, on streets going the wrong way, high-fiving chinese delivery men--it was a rejuvenating breakthrough.

With that said, I have a few shameless plugs--kind of a "Reading Rainbow" recommendation: "don't take my word for it, check it out at your local library!"
If you like this blog, there are and will be others like it.
My blog, which has been on hiatus for the duration of this trip, is Mojonation.Blogspot.com
Ed's blog, or what used to be Ed's blog, is Jemus.Blogspot.com

And of course, look for Gancing.com to blow up sometime in the next few weeks. This is not the end of the Twerve Blogging Experience, but I just wanted to throw out a few tidbits for you loyal readers out there. You deserve it.

Before I added Twerve lbs to my gut...

Popping the Question

2005-06-15T15:24:00.000-07:00

MORGAN:
During this trip and afterwards, the 2 most popular questions I received were:
a) How did you pay for this?
b) What were the best stadiums you saw??

Answers:
a) Years of window-washing, the sophomore year drug ring, and a little Mediterranean prostitution op I set up in high school

b) this answer is a bit more nuanced...yes, I just said nuanced.
Here are my rankings (based on 2 categories)- my colleagues can chime in if they so choose...

Atmosphere
1. Busch Stadium, St. Louis
2. Wrigley Field, Chicago
3. Camden Yards, Baltimore

Busch Stadium BP: Get a load of that owl!

Overall Look/Style/Vibe:
1. Camden Yards
2. PNC Park, Pittsburgh
3. Wrigley Field

Camden Yards: The Realness

I know what you're saying..."yeah, yeah, you went to some stadiums--but what about the cities themselves?? Give us the Twerve rundown and review! We trust you more than Fodor's or Zagat's. We trust you more than God"...whoa, don't get too carried away there, oh loyal reader. The Twerve City Rankings will follow shortly. Stay tuned.

Safe... Sound... and Bored

2005-06-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

Biggie:
I know there were some questions as to my whereabouts after my Friday night drive back to Boston. Let it be known that my midnight ride is now considered in Boston to be so important, that it is second only to that famous "One if by land, Two if by sea..." one, whoever did that. Anyway, I am home, and I'm sure a lot of people have already deleted twerve.blogspot.com from their bookmarks and such, seeing as how we haven't posted anything in a couple of days, and the trip being finished and all, but I wanted to throw my 'two sense' at least one more time, because there are still a ton of funny pictures, and more than a few funny pictures to go with them. Plus gancing.com is not off the ground yet, so we have to give the people a little something to hold them over.

Once back in NYC, we took some time to emulate our favorite characters from Twerve: The Road Trip, at the local batting cages. I think Mojo might have had some trouble figuring out which way the batting helmet went. Thanks to Eaton for taking the picture, and making us look good in the cages... just kidding.

"That puts a lot of pressure on this pair."
There is an overall lack of washing machines on road trips. When I was younger, we had two washing machines, but I guess that was a bygone era...
Needless to say, by the end of our trip, our clean clothes were wearing thin (figuratively and literally) and we were all down to our last pair of shorts. My tally: one pair ripped beyond repair, one unseemly oil stain, one pair (pictured) duct-taped to appear almost normal, and one pair with way too much guacamole and grease to even be considered a viable option.

This picture is dedicated to all of the religers, pardon my french, and their religer propaganda that we encountered. My favorite was the two sequential billboards (they couldn't fit them all onto one) that spelled out the ten commandments in Old English" font. Unfortunately, the only Old English we were concerned with was of the malt variety.

A twerve first. Actual documentation that we were not making up the Kansas City Jayhawks. We received this picture a couple days after our visit, and now unleash it to the general viewing public. Thanks ladies, if that rash doesn't clear up in a few days, seek medical attention.

Yeah that's right, it only goes up to two. Of course on this particular night, Kirk decided to strike out three Phillies, a career high I am sure.

Photographic proof that gargoyles exist. Notice the slit eyes, , claws, wings, and bared teeth. If you try to prevent this particular gargoyle from getting what it wants, it may start exposing its chest to lure you into its trap. In daylight, and without a couple red bull vodkas, the gargoyle takes on a human form (seen here).

This is also a tribute to Chicago, our favorite city of the trip. So nice we visited twice.

More from the Odyssey of Odysseus if any of these other bloggers want to sound off...

"Triangle Food" & The New Mets - who knew??

2005-06-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

MOJONATION:
If you haven't guessed by now, we're back in the NYSizzle, safe and sound...though Biggie did make his Midnight Run back to Beantown- has anyone heard from him?? He left with the stealth and swiftness of a bobcat.

Beltran Couldn't Buy us Love on a Steamy Evening at Shea

M-E-T-S! They did their darndest to keep us from seeing us 6th home team win, and golly gee, when those New Mets put their mind to something, they really go for it! Sans Piazza and Kaz Matsui (Biggie and Devo missed the NY Ritual of mercilessly booing the poor, bewildered import), the New Mets got smoked. It was in fact the first game we didn't stay until the very end for--but hey, it's New York, we've got to rendez-vous with Paris at Lotus. We all know she waits for no man, though we did have night-vision on our camera. So we had that going for us, which is nice.

Mini-Helmets: They're not just for Ice Cream anymore...

I gave it the ol' college try in the Upper Deck at Shea and tried to revive the Zombie-like crowd with my sweet moves. It was a bit like "Gances with Wolves" (though i've never seen the flick), some trepidation at first, mixed with some hostiliy, but ultimately nothing but encouragement and goodwill. I even did an encore on the 7 train, using Devo and a rail as a prop. Who knew Hot Knees didn't like getting shoved out subway cars that much???

You be the Judge

However, that very same Hot Knees was so bushed from trying to withstand our subway shoves, that he tried to pass out when we got home. Nice try, Hot Knees!
I still had to do my best Dr. Phil impersonation at the BBar, counseling a young female locked in a bad relationship: "if he doesn't treat you well, he's making a big mistake. If you don't leave him now, you're making an ever bigger one."
We actually never met the BBar's guest of honor, bloody-nosed Sarah ("she's the one with the tissue in her nose"), but hey, "triangle food" awaited at Apt. #5D (that's Easy Mac to drunk Jemus).

Stay tuned for more pics, summaries, and stories form the mind of Twerve.

Twerve Days of Baseball

2005-06-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

Sing this song to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the Twerveth day of baseball, the road trip gave to we:

Twerve Days of Baseball,

Ereven Douche Chills,

Ten Flippin' Ballparks,

Nine Chipotle Burritos,

Eight Richers Riching,

Seven Midwest MILFs,

Six Hi-Tops Hotties,

Fiiiiiive Hoome Teeam WINS!

Four 'Tripping Bloggers,

Three Bachelorettes,

Two Gancers Gancing,

and a Wily Mo Bobblehead Doll.

Checkin' the Mailbag, Get It? Checkin' the Male?

2005-06-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

We sincerely thank our readership for their feedback and interest. The more we get, the more we can answer. Thems' the rules. Without further ado...

"hot damn! you guys are fucking unbelievable. Great pictures, I am still in shock. Keep the good words rolling…"
-Churchill Halsted Franklin, Boston, MA

Thanks Chip. Don't worry, you've already made it out of your parents house and you might make it out of the Boston City Limits one of these days. We saw some great apartments for rent in Wrigleyville that had your name on them. Most of them were smaller than the place you have near Fenway, but I'm sure you and Barber wouldn't mind bunking together. Douche Chill!

"You guys are entertaining even if Devo does look like a furry woodland creature is just about every photo."
- Johnny "The Breeze" Swindal, Birmingham, AL

Johnny, hope you're as crazy as ever. Devo shaves diligently every morning, but somehow, by game time, his coat is as thick as ever. Go figure! As a wise Birminghamian once said: "So the Red Sox are 9-4... IT'S THE SECOND WEEK OF THE SEASON! Who gives a god damn!?!?"

"i need more gancing... keep up the good work. biggie should pinch hit for big papi."
- Ben "Benny" Devon, Boulder, CO

Lil' Devo, you've got a lot to learn about the world. The internet, blogging, and pot are all things you will experience in due time. As for gancing, sorry we couldn't include more pics, Morgan's moves are just too fast for a still camera--even a digital one. We tried repeatedly. Please check Gancing.com in a few weeks for the full audio/visual experience. Until then, hopefully this pic will help whet your appetite.

"Keeps getting better. I now have a "handivan/gancing" billing code at work to account for all the time I spend everyday reading this blog"
- Kevin Immonje, Brighton, MA

Kev, once you see our video footage, it will blow "Kenyans in Exile" out of the water. Unfortunately, right now, there is no Fullscreen version, so you'll have to watch it in Widescreen. We promise the film of our trip will replace "Catwoman" and "The Big Bounce" at the top of your Netflix queue.

"Dude, this blog is genius. You guys are great writers, and it makes me jealous I'm not a part of everything. I told a few of my advertising buddies out here in Portland and they're tracking your progress as well"
- Seth "Sloth" Coffrin, Portland, ME
Editor's Note: He lives in Portland, OR. Morgan just keeps forgetting there's actually two of them.

Dear Seth, thanks for taking time from your busy schedule planning LeBron's next commercial and trading for players like Chipper Jones who will be on the DL for the next 4-6 weeks. Well, at least you now have Mike Piazza...wait it's 2005, is Portland in a baseball time warp or have you just been watching too much ESPN Classic??

"Twervers...Hope all your twerving dreams come true! Glad to hear you guys are getting your twerve on, sounds like fun. I'm jealous that you guys played on the FOD...you'll have to send me the directions. Biggie: that quote is even better than the one in the movie, it still gets me fired up!!
P.S. Who's Nut'?"
- Mason R. Smith, Albany, NY

MRS - The Twervers have twerved themselves repeatedly and consistently throughout all twerve days of this trip. As for Field of Dreams directions, take Route 20 from Rockford, IL until you hit Heaven. Can't miss it. Nut' said.

"People will come Ray... people will most definitely come."

"Just wanted to cheer you on and thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us...I especially enjoy the 'notable douche chills' section...God speed, ye merry gentlemen. And twerve yourselves."
-Benjamin H. Weber, New York, NY

Dear Hek, here is a special douche chill we have been waiting to tell you about. Since Morgan has been sleeping with Annie in the same bed for the last year-plus, he has gotten a bit too used to his nocturnal freedom. For this very reason, we rotated the sharing of beds most every night, since Morgan's bedmate often woke up with an arm, hand or leg somewhere it shouldn't have been. "What? Those aren't two pillows?" Douche Chill!!

Luckily on this night, Morgan had the aerobed to himself.

"So I thought this whole blog thing was silly when y'all told me about it but now I am straight up addicted and find myself unable to sleep in anticipation for Morgan's next witty blog entry. I definately think you should turn this whole trip into a screenplay because I would pay to see this movie"
- Melissa Hooks, Kansas City, Kansas

Yup, these are our readers.

Next Stop: Blue Ball, PA... Welcome to Amish Country, Boys

2005-06-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

BIGGIE:

Officially six hours into day ereven of the trip, also known as the Odyssey of Odysseus. We've now had a chance to digest some the highs and lows of the trip and address some observations, thoughts and concerns that may not have fit elsewhere. We want to answer a mailbag, present a couple lists, and look for some overall themes from our experience.

First, Devo's Bad Joke of the Day:
Upon seeing some Amish people in Pennsyltucky climbing into a van: "It's only two horsepower."

Yesterday, my slide down the slippery slope of Biggie sizing myself finally plunged into an abyss. Breakfast: Carnitas Chipotle Burrito. Snack: Beef Jerky. Lunch: Six Sliders from White Castle, and a box of fries. Dinner: a Cheese Coney at the Pretty Good American Ballpark (consists of a chili dog with a huge helping of grated cheese on top (see picture). Second dinner: A bowl of Cincy's famous chili and a grilled cheese sandwich. I think I am going to go purge myself and reboot my digestive tract.

My mouth has now grown to twerve times its size.

Morgan's Road Ragin' Quotes:
When referring to another minivan in the fast lane - "Oh you have a cooler? Oh it's a family vacation? GET IN THE RIGHT LANE!!!"
Upon seeing a car in front of us slow down to exit - "Oh, that's what you're doing? Oh OK, then do that."
Other times when cars were too slow in the fast lane - "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." and "You wanna play games? Let's play games."
In reference to 'Banquet' by Block Party and 'Unconditional' by The Bravery - "This song is requires me to drive like a maniac."
When asked to quickly open the back windows to vent an especially pungent Bogart stinkbomb - "You can't spring that on me! You're asking me to do something I never learned how to do."
Because he loves old people - "Just because you're old, doesn't mean you can kill people."
To a Cadillac whose driver could not see over the steering wheel - "Who do you think is driving, a man or a woman? Oh, it's a seventy year old man... GET IN THE RIGHT LANE!"
On being confronted with tractor trailers in both lanes - "Make like Siamese twins and separate."
When the same tractor trailers wouldn't separate - "You are FUCKING me!"
While being cut off in Ohio - "You're not going to do- you did it, you just did it."

"I apologize to the State of Pennsyltucky for all of my transgressions and will promise never to wear my jean cutoffs in public again."

On a couple of occasions, Mojo and I posed for pictures with sports heroes of the past:

Phillies' pitching great Steve Carlton. The kids really liked his legs, MoJo liked his package.

Cubs announcer Harry Caray. "Hey Norm... if you were a hot dog... would you eat yourself?"

MORGAN:

There's a lot to cover boys and girls, but I can cover more ground that Jim Edmonds with a jet pack (thanks for signing my hat Jim!!)

A few things that slipped thru the cracks...

- Nicholas "Biggie" Dutton-Swain is a refined and accomplished athlete; however, on this trip, he flat out "shit the bed" on 2 chances to grab a game ball.
1) Pittsburgh, PA: Batting practice homer ricochets off a wall and spins directly toward the barehanded, but eager Mr. Dutton-Swain. I am standing inches behind him with my trusty glove ready for the grab. Biggie calls me off like a misguided left fielder and the ball spins right through his clasped hand and back onto the field. Ooops!
2) Cincinnati, OH: A freshly made-to-order foul ball floats toward our section. Is it coming at us?? Well, kind of...it's coming right at Biggie! And he has the whole aisle to circle under it and make the fair catch. The LargeMan, working on about 2.4 hours sleep, doesn't maneuver quickly enough and the ball drops onto the concrete, awaiting some MidWestern hick with splotchy facial hair. Better luck next time, Nick!

Devo was more prepared, but just unlucky at PNC Park.

My Driving Pet Peeves
- Overhead signs that instruct you to "Reduce Speed" but yet there is no need for speed reduction. This slows traffic and pisses me off. I also despise signs that give "Minute Updates" to let you know how far it will take to get somewhere. How 'bout you let me keep driving and find out for myself!
- Trucks in the left lane. I know there are laws in the works to outlaw Minivans (expect The HandiVan) from the fast lane, but big rigs have no business in my territory. Nut' said.
- Biggie drinks a lot...A LOT. Coffee, water, milk, hot smoothies, beer - he does it all.
We actually monitored his liquid intake for a full day and it was astounding. What does this all mean?? He needs to urinate a lot....A LOT. No group has ever had to stop for pee breaks on the road this much since the "Dixie Chicks" went on tour. So, we stopped every hour on the hour for Biggie to empty his unproportionally small bladder, despite chants of "Jug! Jug! Jug!" in hopes he would relieve himself in one his huge water jugs.

Some choice Pickup lines/Conversation starters:
1) "I have a trivia question...do you know how many fountains are in Kansas City?"

2) "Excuse me, do know where Hooters is? We're looking for free wings..."

3) "I saw you looking over here at me, I thought I should introduce myself. I'm Dallas" - "Dallas" to Devo in Philly

4) "We're going on a baseball road trip to Chicago, wanna come?"
Pittsburgh Waitress: "Ah, I need to go buy groceries tonight."

5) "Michael Barrett, you had a great game tonight!!" - said to a chick in Chicago wearing the jersey of the Cubs catcher who hit 2 homers that night.

6) "Hey Papi! I love your mango salsa!" - Devo to David Ortiz

7) "You're incredibly crisp...and also incredibly young" - said to an underage hottie in St. Louis.

St. Louis: Home to an old arch and some young ladies.

Some Middlebury College reminiscing:
Ed: "Remember 'Redesigning Chip'?"
Morgan: "Oh yeah, that was great. Hilarious."
Biggie: "What was 'Redesigning Chip'?"
Ed/Morgan: "I don't remember/Not really sure"

More ramblings and a mailbag still to come...

Exploding Power Stacks and Bobbing For (Wily) Mo' Head

2005-06-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Morgan:

This morning's exchange between bedmates Morgan and Biggie:
M: "How was I?"
B: "We were definitely spooning for half the night. It was impossible not to."

Overheard last night at a sidewalk ATM in Cincin-Nasti, as a particularly tight package wrapped in white pants walked by:
"Devo, get the ranch!"

Two young ladies were discussing the hit and run problems in Cincy after we had a close call in a crosswalk, and I suggested that the city slogan should be: "If They Drop, Don't Stop."

We're now on the long road to New York, with Cincy in the rearview and lots of highway in front of us. How was Cincy you ask? The Reds vs. the Devil Rays?? Are you wondering why we didn't just skip it and blog all night?? Well, we made the wise choice and attended. We made the even wiser choice to stay until the end, and the players at The Pretty Good American Ballpark treated us to a display of offensive fireworks we haven't seen (or smelled) since the HandiVan left Kansas City.

The (Not So) Great American Ballpark

Ed:

Game recap, or as Hot Knees refers to it, "the part of our blog that no one wants to read." (Funny, I always thought that the unpopular sections were when Devo delved into his profuse night-sweating bouts.) Our expectations were set pretty low last night with the Devil Rays in town, but as I said before, we are usually proven wrong... We were treated with a WIly (pronounced "Willy") Mo Pena bobblehead upon entrance (so far there had been 3 other giveaway days, but you had to be twerve or under to receive them), so we felt that good things could be on the way. And starting in the second, the fireworks began, quite literally, when Wily Mo crushed a bomb to center and the Pepsi Power Stacks erupted like Hot Knees after a particularly potent cup of chili.

Pepsi Power Stacks Pre-Eruption

Six and a half innings and 6 home runs later, we had upgraded to some nice third base line seats and the Reds were battling back, now down 9-8. A resurgent Griffey, Jr. (we've learned that the way he has stayed healthy this year is by never running -- ever -- during the game) tied it up with a seeing-eye single to right and as fate would have it, Mr. Bobblehead himself, Wily Mo came up in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs. With 20,000 bobbleheads being waved around the stadium WMP crushed a pitch over the foul pole and onto a building beside and behind the Upper Deck (conservatively estimated at 428 ft.). The fireworks sparked for the last time, the bobbleheads bobbled, and Dr.-to-be Devon quickly dubbed Wily Mo the best player of all-time and offered me his .174 hitting second baseman to trade for WMP in our fantasy league. Nice try, Hot Knees.

Devo Cools Off His "Hot Knees"

Side Note: You can't find food in Cincinnati after 10PM. Eww.

The Artist Formerly Known as Hot Knees:

We didn't have any beers at the Great American Ballpark, since we were still recovering from Chicago, II. The beer prices were pretty standard - I think around 5.75 for 16 ounces. But the best deal by far was free 10 wings from Hooters any time the Reds score 10 or more runs. Unfortunately, the nearest Hooters is in Kentucky, across the Ohio River. By the time this girl who is a professional Irish Jigger told us where it was, we were almost back to our hotel, which was in the opposite direction. So we wandered around for awhile looking for a place to eat, and checking out all of the hot girls in tight pants headed to McFadden's for Wednesday night drink specials. We were way too bushed to join them, but if anyone is in Cincinnati and wants to see where the beautiful women of Cincy go to hang out, check out McFadden's. Actually, McFadden's in any city is pretty much a hot-spot.

Morgan has a Gance-Off with an Irish Jigger

Gross moment of the evening:
This old, drunk, homeless dude was crawling around on the sidewalk, struggling to get up. Of course, we walked right by him, but this other nice old man stopped to help him out. We saw this, felt bad and went over to help out. The drunk bastard had no chance of getting up, but we didn't realize this until we had already tried to help him up. Needless to say, the guy wreaked of his own piss and shit, and I felt like Ace Ventura after he figures out Einhorn is a man. It was pretty nasty...

I also found out that I have no ability to distinguish between 16 to 21 year olds in the Midwest and that the Midwest has more MILF's than anywhere I've ever been besides La Jolla, CA.

Things That Make You Go Eww!

2005-06-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

BIGGS:
It's late, and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow- twerve hours of driving from The Nati to NYC. But first, a quick update on some parts not mentioned or glazed over in the Chicago Fire in Devo's Pants Part Two post. Tequila Roadhouse was like a yambo heaven. Picture a mix of about 60-70% dudes all looking to get seriously laid and pouncing on any fresh new meat that stepped into the establishment. Then you have a saddle set up in a corner with women grinding men, men grinding women, and women grinding women- add in a couple spotlights, a lot of alcohol, and you have yourself a stew... a hot, sweaty, eyes-glazing, eardrum bursting, ugly-bumping stew.

Just as we were attempting to get home at a reasonable hour, we (The Fantastic Three- now that Hot Knees was sweating back at the Hostel) found our services needed to help another damsel in distress give the run-around to another pushy guy that she had just met. We ventured into Walgreens, where there was a Gatorade Bowling tournament and then some covert hiding in the employee bathroom in order to give the pink slip to Pushy Guy #2. To thank us heroes, we were invited to the damsel's apartment for some mini liquor bottles (turns out they were flight attendants) and some of the more interesting and informative conversation we've had on the trip. Ed said it best when he described how they talk: "It is like they use the word 'Eww' instead of punctuation." For example: "Guys here don't tell her she's pretty, Eww, even though I'm always like 'Eww, you are SOOOO much better looking than those other sluts.'" Let's just say they they were not breaking down any stewardess stereotypes.

Celebrity and Pro-Athlete Alert. Just in case you are involved in a heated game of Twerve Degrees of Kevin Bacon, here is an interesting connection. One of the flight attendants that treated us to airline nips and frozen broccoli (another story for another day) claimed not only to be the girlfriend of Atlanta Brave Kelly Johnson ("His batting stance is so wierd, Eww.") but was also the cousin of Desperate Housewife and Frenchman Spur-dating Eva Longoria. Apparently there is some jealousy a-brewin' though because she didn't really want to talk about Ms. Longoria, despite our prodding. Anyway, hopefully by the end of our trip we will have at least four pros reading the blog (Papi, Teahen, Kelly, and Lou Brock). Holla.

By the time we escaped at 6am, the sun was out, and we were on our way to the Cincinnati for what turned out to be one of the more exciting games on the trip. More on that tomorrow... be prepared for an excessive amount of blogging since we have such a long car ride to NYC, we will try to get more pictures out as we receive them from various people's cameras and sometimes we will add pictures to old posts where they are most relevant, so be sure and check on past posts every once and a while, just in case. Finally, you may have noticed that we've sold out to google- it must have been all these corporate sponsored ballparks, but we felt like we needed to get in on some of the action (although the likelihood of it producing enough to pay for ONE toll is not likely). Stay Tuned and keep the comments coming.

Hot Night for Hot Knees

2005-06-08T14:30:00.001-07:00

"This could be you."
MORGAN:

Devo: "Is it weird that it now seems normal when Morgan wears his jean cutoffs?"

A few highlights from Chicago: our 2nd trip to the Second City (anyone know why it's called the Second City? Is there a first city?)

- Wrigley Field's a real beaut. The ivy was green as I'd pictured it, the bleacher seats above the apartments are one of a kind, and the inside/outside stadium atmosphere can't be beat.

Check out the bleachers on top of the buildings in left.

Old-fashioned scoreboard and all.

- Post-game, I did my second Gance with band accompaniment. This time, however, the band altered their lyrics to fit my gancing moves. Well, at least this is what Ed and Devo told me--I was in a zone and didn't really hear much. "Locked in" is what they call it in the sports world.

- Douche Chill photo op at Wrigley: Ed pretended to take a picture of myself, Devo, and an unsuspecting Blue Jays fan with his video camera. Of course, he was taking a video, and not a still picture. Nevertheless, our naive Canadian friend held a pose for a few minutes, and that pose involved holding me in his arms. We also substituted the traditional "say cheese!" for "hot knees!" and "hymen!". O' Canada didn't know what a hymen was, and we weren't going to be the ones to tell him. That's a parent's task.

"Say HYMEN!!!"

- one ListServe for that arse.
Eric "Devo" Devon's Nicknames on the Trip (not counting Devo)
1. Hot Knees
2. Baby Tit
3. The Human Douche Chill
4. Glenn Humplik
5. Cheshire Cat

- Newsflash: Chicago's a legit city. Beaches, Tall Towers, Chipotle, 2 ballclubs, 1 beaut of a field, and plenty of places to chech yourself post-game. Tequila Roadhouse... are you kidding me??

ERIC:

First off, let me say that Cubs gear instantly makes any girl hotter. I have no idea why this is, but it's the truth. We had an awesome time at the Cubs game and after. On our way back to our hostel, we saw a sketchy scene in a cab. As we were walking by, I said "Hey, there's a shirtless dude in the front of that cab." As we got closer, the girl in the back seat had a distressed look on her face, basically telling us that she wanted the dude in the front out. The cab driver gave us the same look, so we opened up the door and started talking to shirtless man. While we were talking to him, Morgan opened the back door, and began to usher the distressed girl out towards another cab. When shirtless guy got out and started chasing after her, we set up multiple road blocks, preventing him from catching up to her. She got back into the original cab Han Solo and took off. The shirtless dude just kept half-crying "WHYYYY???? WHY DID YOU DO THAAAAT??" He told us she was his girlfriend, but she said ex. We took her word for it, and then he punched a parking sign really hard, and we walked down the street looking for the next bar. We felt like the Fantastic Four, saving a damsel in distress.

There were not as many bars between Wrigley and our hostel as we thought, but we did run into a group of 20 year old girls who had just come from some late-night grub. Morgan was in the zone all night, as his earlier gancing will show. He started talking some sort of nonsense to these very cute, very young girls. They told us they were underage, so I told them that Morgan worked for the DMV and could hook them up. Morgan then proceeded to have a 20 minute monologue, explaining how he administers the driving test and giving each of them a symptom of bad driving ("You are lead foot. You just drive way too fast.") He also told them he uses his belt to measure the vehicle's distance from the curb during the parallel parking part of the test, which sometimes frightens females who are taking the test.

At this point, I was exhausted and ready for bed, while the rest of the boys decided to go out and party till 6 am. So I might have taken some flak for booking us a semi-sketchy hotel in St. Louis, but the hostel we stayed at in Chicago this time around had zero amenities, namely air conditioning. It did have a shitty fan, but when I got home to try to sleep, it was about 90 degrees outside, with 98% humidity and the power on the whole street had gone out. There was no way I could fall asleep, sweating bullets in the most uncomfortable bed ever, with the remains of a red bull still coursing through my body. It was not a happy situation. I'm not quite sure what time it was when I realized the fan was working again, but it was absolutely not doing ANYTHING to cool the room off. I checked it out, and the fan was spinning the WRONG WAY, blowing air UP instead of down. Once I solved that problem, though, I realized that the fan was just a piece of shit and I was going to probably sweat myself into unconsciousness.

I must have finally dozed off, when the boys came in at 6 am drunk as shit, and asking me if I'd ever had my shit pushed in by a richer. Yadda yadda yadda, we made our way to finally getting some shut eye as soon as Morgan made an unsuccessful attempt at rubbing one out.

More blank filling and pictures coming later today...

Is that a vagina in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

2005-06-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

MORGAN:

K.C. Conversation piece between MoJo and the aforementioned AssRack (with or without Ranch dressing)

Me: "I used to babysit the Leonards...."
AssRack: "Oh, really?"
Me: "Yeah, when the kids acted out, I would just take them out to sandbox and make them lie face down for awhile."
AR: "Did they ever get up?"
Me:" One did."

Devo's now 25!! I'm sure he appreciated all the well-wishers and evil-doers. I was able to give him a free shot of jager on Sunday night, but the real present came a day later on the road to St. Louis. Have you ever stopped at a highway porno shop?? Neither had I, until Devo's present came a-calling. Biggie and I entered the windowless sketch joint called "Passions" and emerged with an unassuming green canister. Inside that canister?? Devo's first, and very own Pocket Vagina. Happy Birthday Eric!!

"Gee Morgan, thanks for the thoughtful gift!"

Onto to St. Louis, which pretty much solidified itself as the best baseball town in America. They gave huge standing ovations to a double-play in the 1st inning and a pitcher's at-bat in the 8th. Edgar Renteria had to step out of the batter's box and tip his helmet after a standing ovation--and he LEFT the team for more money!!

However, on this day, the game was almost secondary. Before the first pitch had even been thrown, we had all received special field passes from my sixth-grade teacher and current Cardinals hotshot Tim Hanser (flat-out one of the best people you'll ever meet) and treated ourselves to batting practice just a few feet away from the big boys.

Best... sixth-grade teacher... ever.

When the Red Sox finished hitting, Devo turned to us with a Cheshire Cat grin and said (quite seriously), "guys, can we just skip the game and go home and blog!!" No Devo, we cannot. However,--after I got my Cards hat signed by Jim Edmonds and Lou Brock, gave a fist pound to Johnny Damon, and admired Varitek's massive quads--I can hardly blame Eric "Hot Knees" Devon for the notion.

Just a bunch of idiots stretching. That Johnny D is so hot right now...

EDWARD:

Quick notes on the game-- Matt "Matty Mo" Morris was on fire. Complete game, 1ER, no walks against the potent Boston offense. Unfortunately he also led to the douche chill of Morgan and Devo singing, "Matty Mooooo, he's a vegeterian, Matty Mo, Matty Mo." As for Renteria's return, he hit into 2 DPs and commited an error... Douche Chill! We did watch his reunion with the St. Louis players, though, and he was greeted quite nicely, so let's hope he bounces back tonight.

Additional pre-game notes. David Ortiz... is... S-T-R-O-N-G. He hit some monster BP shots including one into the upperdeck walkway. He's also an absolutely fuckin' great guy and after Devo complimented his mango salsa (he has comcast ads in Beantown for such), he came over gave us some BP balls, and posed for a picture with the four of us.

And as you can see, he makes BI look like a malnourished midget in comparison. And we got Johnny D to come over and give us a Peace sign on Vidya Camera.

Time for your daily beer price update as requested by Mr. Dombrowski (by the way, congratulations on finishing the test, we'll see you and Pace at Shea for the final game of the trip). We have come across the best / most ridiculous beer deal yet. I don't think this one can be topped, at least not size wise. Get this-- 32 oz. for $9.00. 32 ("thirty-two") oz. (flippin' ounces)!!!! AKA two pounds!!! Are you kidding me? This was the conversation of Morgan and Devo after their first beer was done. (for those of you who are unaware, Devo has the reputation for having a very low alcohol tolerance)

Morgan: "Devo, how do you feel, you just drank almost 3 beers in one sitting!"
Devo: (huge grin, bright red face) "You kidding?! I'm hammered!!"

(**Side Note: We just went into a gas station rest stop and in the bathroom they sold cologne spritzes-- put in a quarter, press down on a dirty knob and get your choice of cheap cologne sprayed in your general direction. And then Morgan used our last toll money to buy a "Ring Tingler" from the condom dispensing machine. I swear, you can't take that guy anywhere.)

SuperSize Us update-- After our daily car eating marathon and our buckets o' beer, we made our way for a midnight meal of wings, onion rings, mini tacos, toasted ravioli, a grilled cheese (off the kids' menu for Devo), a French Dip, and a bucket of buds. A mere 11 hours later we were back on the road and eating Jack and the Box and Arbie's. My liver just kneed me in the balls.

BIG LARGEMAN:

Overheard in KC from a bumbling drunk: "Hey what are the first four words that come into your head when you think of (former KC CF, now Red Sock) Johnny Damon? ...haaaaaaaaircut."

St. Louis treated us with 90°F and 98% humidity upon arrival, and the permasweat started immediately. The Gateway Arch is a beautiful structure, and there is really not a bad angle to experience it from, although my favorite was definitely from inside Busch Stadium with 50,000 rabid fans cheering on their hometown Red Birds.

Devo managed to get us reservations at an Econo Lodge only a 15 minute walk from the arch and 25 minutes from the stadium, but led Mr. Hanser to ask: "Are you guys paying for that by the hour?" Yeah, one of "those" types of places for sure.

AMC (awkward man contact) Update: Devo just grabbed my bare foot because he thought it was a water bottle. If that doesn't send douche chills racing through your loins, then there is no G.O.B.

Once we arrived at the park, and first stepped onto the field, all was forgiven. I mean, how often do you get to see the tension in the air when Edgar Renteria greets his old teammates and manager for the first time since leaving for a better contract. Not only that but, in case nobody mentioned it already, we got to talk to David Ortiz, The Big Papi, himself. You couldn't have wiped the smiles off our face for the rest of the night if you had some windex and a squeegee. I also got to shake hands with Lou Brock, who seemed to think that he recognized me and stuck his hand out to shake mine. I always think that I'm going to be able to act cool when I see famous people and interact with them, but I always end up reverting back to being ten years old and giggling like a little schoolboy. There's no trading that feeling for anything.

Overheard this morning:
"Have you showered today?"
"No I'm fine, I just have a few mushrooms growing from my pubes and Ed picked one and ate it."

Since Ed has been busy dishing out Super Size Me updates, this is as good a time as any to talk about different signature dishes we have experienced in our travels. While the Lou may be the best or second best baseball town, their signature toasted ravioli are definitely lacking any real character and leave one feeling like maybe they would have rather had a V8. KC barbecue was delicious in all its succulent, spicy, sweet, vinegariness and definitely worth the subsequent gastrointestinal turbulence. Chicago deep-dish is worth trying, but it's as played out as beta-max. Pittsburgh's pierogies were better than the toasted raviolis but definitely paled in comparison to the broasted (read: baked and roasted) chicken of iowa (think fried chicken, but moister and full of tempting flavor and aroma). Still with all of this, the best cuisine in in the opinion of this modest blogger, would have to be the greasy, oily, cheesy, oniony cornucopia of goodness that is a "cheesesteak wit'" in the City of Brotherly Love.

Bad Joke of the Day:
Upon seeing a DiGiorno trailer on a Mac Truck-
Devo: "Hey is that a delivery truck?"

Goodbye from St. Louis and the Ambiguous Acrobats, stay tuned for Chicago II: The Last Temptation of "Hot Knees"...

Jose's Horny and Big Papi's Mango Salsa....a Teaser

2005-06-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

MOJO:

Ladies and Gents (and Gent), we've had quite a day in St. Louie -- this bedtime blog is a just a small rumpleteaser to the BIG POST tomorrow. Are you intrigued??? you should be...
Let's just say Big Papi, Johnny Damon, and plenty of standing ovations factored in quite heavily....Still intrigued???

a few lost K.C. Tidbits:

1) Jose Lima story #1 (he's a starting pitcher on the Royals), as told to us by Mark Teahen:
Teahen: "How's it going, Jose?"
Lima: "Horny."

2) Story #2:
At a Major League Players and Umpires conference on rules & regulations for the season
Ump: "So, any questions?"
Lima: "What are we going to do about A.J. Pierzynski?? I hate that fucking guy!!"

3) Jose Lima enters the game to a song that he sings himself....about himself. With lyrics (according to Teahen) that have "a bunch of Spanish gibberish followed by the occasional, Lima! Lima!". If people can download Lima's work as a recording artist, please do so.

LateNight Listserves:

More Fun Quotes:
1. "Act as If..."
2. "You should call that a G.O.B., guy!"
3. "Where are my Tampons!!" (said in high-pitched voice)
4. "Dead Turtle!! Roll down the windows!"

Stay tuned for Plenty o' pics, info, humble opinions, and boastful ruminations on our way to Chicago and Wrigley Field tomorrow (tuesday). we've gotten lots of great comments and feedback recently - keep it kumin'!!!

KC Masterpiece: Shuttlecocks and Assracks

2005-06-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ed (no relation to Ted) Brogan:

Whoa man... I don't feel too hot right now. We are deeply in religer country and it is currently twerve noon on... what the hell day is this, Monday? And we are on our way to the World Series rematch of the Cardinals and Red Sox where Morgan has spoken with an ex-teacher who works for the Cardinals and will let us down onto the field to watch the big fellahs take batting practice. Stay tuned.

And where do I start... lots has happened...

First, a couple of overall notes. I'm beginning to question whether we are doing a baseball road trip, or recreating the Supersize Me movie. In the average day we eat a lot, drink a lot, sit in a small van for 8 hours and spend 3 hours getting kicked out of sections of baseball stadiums where we do not have tickets. I mean, honestly, we just stopped at a gas station and bought a taquito, a chicken/bacon/cheese sandwich, and an egg/meat pattie sandwich (without the bread, Devo is watching his carb intake), and 2 glazed donuts... From a friggin gas station! Who does that?! We're about to the point of the movie where Morgan Spurlock gets short on breath when he walks more than 5 feet.

Second, surprisingly traveling around the country watching baseball games, staying at hotels and drinking beer while unemployed is not cheap! Who knew?! But don't worry, BET has called with employment opportunities and I have purchased gancing.com for extra streams of revenue (a trailer of Morgan's gancing will be up by the end of the month).

Now, for the latest update: We arrived in the lovely metropolis of Kansas City, MO at 12:15, just in time for our hotel to realize they had screwed up our shuttle to the Royals game and buy us a cab ride out to Kauffman Stadium. And our cab driver was probably the smartest man in the world. He was in his fifties, looked like Jerry Garcia (if JG had been gently beaten with an ugly stick-- we think he may be the illegitimate love child of JG and Santa Claus) and he told us all about the local art galleries (where Morgan later ganced in front of a 30 foot high shuttlecock).

He gave us a tour of the Plaza area where we were staying and pointed out all of the bars that were full of "eager farm girls." He also pointed out all of the local hidden motels which charge by the hour, play host to portable meth labs, and house friendly women who will sleep with you if you pay them money ("You won't find these on google," he informed us). But most importantly, he educated us bumpkins about the great world of KC barbecuing. You have Arthur Bryant's, a nice, but touristy place where we later ate an entire pig.

Then there is Gates, "the GM of barbecue restaurants" -- we sampled some at Kauffman, and Devo called it "delish." But if you really want to go to the best place, there is a little hole in the wall called "LC's" which is the "Ferrari of barbecue." Unfortunately LC closes shop on Sunday's so we never got to check it out ("He's never been a religious man, he just wants a day off"), but we recommend checking it out next time you're in KC.

After allowing us to buy beer on the way, Jerry Garcia-Claus dropped us off in the parking lot of Kauffman and set us off to drink our 6-pack and be aware of the "right wing Christians." And we all were impressed by the Royals' stadium which is the nicest ballpark for a little league baseball team that I've ever seen. Full of fountains, and the Anti-PNC-- not an usher to be found anywhere to kick you out of your seats (not quite true as we learned in the 9th). And for Andrew Dombrowski, one of our most dedicated readers, they had the best beer deal yet-- $7.50 for a 24 ouncer, and you were allowed to by 4 at a time (usually it's 2)!!! What a world! Needless to say, Devo was drunk before he had his first sip (and somehow managed to get a sunburn exclusively on his knee caps-- he was quickly dubbed "Hot Knees").

The game went well, Mark "Teabags" Teahan and the Royals got their asses handed to them by Kenny Rogers, Mark "Tishy Tishy Gum Drops" Teixera, and the rest of the hard hitting Rangers, and we thought we'd make it out of there without incident. As is usually the case, we were wrong. By the middle of the 9th inning we had upgraded our seats to a great spot near home plate, right behind a constantly swearing father and his two children ("What, you want more money from me? Get in line behind your fuckin' mom"). And, as is often the case, Morgan got that unshakable urge for some public gancing ("Boys, if gancing is wrong, I don't want to be right") so he grabbed Devo (who is getting more and more like Glen Humplik, Tom Green's laughing sidekick, every day) and they went to work by the Royals dugout. Morgan did some great moves, including some nice gance interaction with our usher, and by the end of it we had two sections giving some great applause. Everyone loved it... except for the aforementioned usher who followed the two fellahs back to our seats and immediately asked to see our tickets. After a few cries of "What, I thought this was America?", Devo made the unwise choice of telling the usher to check the swearing father's tickets. Unlike us, the swearing father had actually paid for the seats he was sitting in so he did not take too kindly to this, and as swearing fathers will do, he began to swear. "What the fuck are you asking that about? I fuckin' paid for this shit, did you fuckin' buy the fuckin' seats you're sitting in? Get these fuckin' guys out of here." And after suggesting he not swear so much with his kids around ("I'm not swearing at my fuckin' kids, I'm fuckin' swearing at you") we decided to obey the usher's bidding and leave, but not before hearing swearing dad's 8-year-old son say "Dad, why did you do that? Those guys didn't do anything, why do you have to yell at them?" That's right little dude, keep it classy.

Shortly after, K-Rod (Ed. note: it was actually Cordero) finished off the Royals to complete the 8-1 win and we got in line to run the bases... Unfortunately 12,000 8-year-olds had the same idea and after learning we were 45 minutes away from running the bases we decided to suck it up and go find a taxi ride home.

Luckily, we had one of the world's best negotiators, Eric Devon on hand and he got right down to business--
ERIC: How about a flat rate to the quarterage hotel?
CABBY: No, I only go by the meter, there's no way--
ERIC: $20!
CABBY: Deal!

Phew... what a day... and that was all prior to 4PM. I'm gonna lay off the carpal tunnel for a little bit and let the Big man update y'all on the night experiences when he sees fit. Albert Poo-holes, we're on our way!!!

BIGGIE:

There are a lot of fountains in Kansas City. No, I don't think you get it. There are a flippin' lot. It is apparently the fountain capital of the US, and second only to Rome, Italy in the world. These Kanssourians are very proud of their fountains and will take you on driving tours and show you their favorites and talk about how fountains changed their lives. We got a number from one fellow bar goer- 316... but I think there are probably a lot more, and they are awesomely sweet and make you want to totally flip out.

It was Devo's birthday last night so we were aiming for the fences, even though it was a Sunday night in KC, and it looked like we were definitely going to have to bring out the big guns. Mojo and Devo heard from some not-as-eager-as-they-hoped ladies and found out the spots we needed to parlay in Fountain City. After some intravenous caffeine from Starbucks, we went back to our hotel room, blew the dust off some playing cards and had a heated battle of asshole with straight liq's. "Hot knees" needed a little time to recover but soon we were all on our way to gargoyle/brogan/jemus status. Back out on the town, we hit the aforementioned irish pub roof deck and were well on our way to getting the birthday boy directions from Shy Beaver, PA to Intercourse, PA.

The Jayhawk ladies from KU and Royal Teahen we were hanging out with provided plenty of entertainment, interesting conversation, and a lot of information. We also talked to the most influential guy in Kansas City, the owner of Guy's Chips and Guy's Nuts. He was most definitely the Katie Franklin of Fountain CIty. We headed over the state line into Kansas, and although we thought about how cool it was that we had partied in two states, we also realized that when we were in D.C. we were averaging at least three states a night. One of the kind, interesting and accommodating Jayhawks had us to her house-- yeah 23 and living in a house owned by her roomate.

One big, happy, dsyfunctional Kansan Family

The midwest is a strange and wonderful place, and we just want it to know that we really like its style. As a collective, dear reader, we have taken a real shine to Kansas City, and in turn, the city has spritzed us with countless fountains and treated us to some of the best, albeit gas-producing, barbecue this humble blogger has ever experienced.

Missouri Loves Company

2005-06-06T03:06:00.000-07:00

"Don't stretch the sweater, man"
- Sloth

Seth, big ups for the compliments via email--you can post on the site as well. It does not go unnoticed by the HandiVan Crew.

We're in K.C. - with the hot sauce still dripping from our salivating mouths. Ribs, Pork, Turkey, ain't nuthin' wrong with that!! We hit up the Gates at Kauffman Stadium and Arthur Bryant's in the middle of nowhere. Both were juicy, meaty, and scrumptious.

A few quick thoughts before we drift off to bed:
- Devo found an ass that won't quit
- Ed has gone on many "tampon" trips for D---
- from the mind of Ted Brogan: "we will soon have a picture to post of our night-worth of the Odysseys of Odysseus"..."i mean the places we've been...let's think about this for a bit"...."we will soon have a picture to show the house that we've been at in Kansas"...."we shall soon have a picture that will show the Kansas house we were at in Kansas"..."we shall soon have a picture to show the night we had in Kansas"....
- we met the Kansas City Royals' starting 3B Mark Teahen tonight and chilled with him at O'Dowd's in "the Plaza". He's a good cat and told us many funny stories of Jose Lima. Best of luck Mark, you've got a bright future, nevermind the fact that Ed tried to get you drunk so you'd play badly against the Giants.

Many more stories and (coherent) notations of the night that K.C. Built.

More Dreams...

2005-06-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

ERIC:

Right now we are driving through Iowa, where we have hit one MAJOR thunderstorm and are probably due for another. It starts out with what people call "heat lightning," which lights up the midwest plains as far as you can see. The foreboding builds until the first few drops hit. Then the hell-storm follows. I have never seen so many cars pull over in the middle of a rain storm. We were driving about 35 mph on the highway and you could see NOTHING. We probably passed 25 or so cars pulled over. But Nick Skywalker used the force and somehow got us through. May the force be with you, young Skywalker (in the words of Triumph, "I am a huge nerd.") Right now there is another great lightning show with snaking bolts going across the horizon and darting towards the ground. Good stuff.

I also want to reiterate how great Chicago was. It officially made its way onto my list of cities North of the Mason-Dixon line where I would be willing to go to medical school, which previously included New York and Boston. Really a well-put-together city, that seems to have a lot of interesting/cultural/fun things to do, as well as a great party scene, all wrapped up in that midwestern charm. Of course, that's after spending less than 24 hours there.

The Field of Dreams was also a great experience. I got a good chance to break in my glove and do some running around on a baseball field in the middle of a corn field in the middle of Iowa. I actually finished reading the book that the movie is based on, called "Shoeless Joe," by W.P. Kinsella. It's a decent read, but I think the movie manages to steer more towards the sentimental, while the book gets sort of carried away with sentimentality. There's a lot of stuff in there that reads like high school love letters, but it's still a great story about believing in your dreams and the importance of baseball. It also made me think about what it would be like to meet my dad in his prime. I don't want to get too serious in here about my thoughts on this, but it is an interesting question to ponder and something that is almost impossible to imagine.

On our way back on the road from the FOD, we got stuck in the middle of the town, where there were Iowa State Troopers blocking traffic in both directions. What was the problem???? Was there an accident? Was there a crime committed? Heck, no. There was a tractor parade coming right through the main road through the town. Apparently it is a yearly event, which usually features 350 tractors of all sizes, as well as horses, and miniature cars driven by little kids. We caught the last half of the parade, which only had 150 this year, and were waiting for about 20 minutes, as it moved into the town. Definitely something you don't see in New York or Boston.

Major Songs of the Trip:
1. Diamonds - Kanye West - Each time I hear this song it gets better. You don't hear rap songs produced like this too often.
2. Somebody Told Me - The Killers - If you get Biggie requesting a rock song, you know it's gotta be solid.

One final note: It's my birthday! Quarter of a century. Thanks to everyone who helped make this possible.

BIGGIE:

"They'll walk out to the bleacher and sit in shirtsleeves in the perfect evening, or they'll find they have reserved seats somewhere in the grandstand or along one of the baselines-- wherever they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes, in whatever park it was, whatever leaf shaded town in Maine, or Ohio, or California. They'll watch the game, and it will be as if they have knelt in front of a faith healer, or dipped themselves in magic waters where a saint once rose like a serpent and cast benedictions to the wind like peach petals."
- J.D. Salinger in "Shoeless Joe" by W.P. Kinsella

Kum and Go

2005-06-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

MORGAN L.:

Kum and Go - a gas station mart in Iowa. Nut' said.

You may have heard a few rumors about me pertaining to last night...they're all true. I'm now a habitual "gancer", I flashed an unsuspecting White Sox employee for tickets, and I can drink myself into a gargoyle-like state with the help of 2 vodka red bulls, a few beers and a lil' soco and lime. What the hell is a "gargoyle", you may ask? Just wait until you hear about Devo on his birthday in K.C tomorrow. Just you wait...

A few listserves for that arse:

My Favorite "Gancing" Songs (see definition below):
1. "Gancing with Myself" - Billy Idol
2.. "Tiny Gancer" - Elton John
3. "Gancing in the Street" - Martha and The Vandellas
4. "MoonGance" - Van Morrison
5. "You Should be Gancing" - Bee Gees

The Best "Gancing" Movies of All-Time
1. "Shall We Gance?"
2. "Dirty Gancing"
3. "Save the Last Gance"
4. "Gancer in the Dark"
5. "Sisterhood of the Traveling Gance"

Favorite Cities so Far (besides DC/Baltimore - representin'!)
1. Chicago
2. Philadelphia
3. Dyersville, IA (If you build it...)
4. Pittsburgh
5. Intercourse, PA

Favorite Trip Phrases:
1. "What? What? I thought this was America!" (heavily slurred)
2. "Goddamn Richers!"
3. "You ever had your ---- pushed in?"
4. "I am Locust" (Kazakhstani accent)
5. "What if I show you my belly?...I can go higher" (said by a pot-bellied drunkard to a ticket attendant)

Today, I hit fungos and took infield/outfield at the Field of Dreams in Dyersville, Iowa - fulfilling a long-time dream of mine; however, in previous dreams, Kevin Costner factored in much, much more. Oh, there I go again...Maybe, Chicago's Morley and the Bachlorettes were onto something. Anyway, back to the FOD, we got there about an hour before closing time, so we had the field practically to ourselves. Biggie started in Rightfield, Devo manned First Base, Ed was combo infield/outfield and Leon was a twerve-year-old kid who had a nose for the ball and a love for the game. You've got a bright future Leon! Pics and more detailed analysis from Heaven/Iowa to come on the next blog.
Right now we're in the HandiVan driving south to K.C. The three idiots here with me are set on getting my traveling Gancing act on the JumboTron at Kauffman Stadium tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

Gancing in the Streets: No Plot, Just Sex

2005-06-04T15:30:00.000-07:00

First... from urbandictionary.com
1. douche chill
the awkward cold feeling a girl gets when cleaning her cooch. used as slang to describe something awkward.
ex.
bob: yo tom i heard you banged some really fat chick last nite.
tom: yeah it was your sister.
dick: DOUCHE CHILL!

2. gancing
Derived from the adj. gay & verb dance. Dancing by a man or men including but not limited to: hands on hips, stylish leg kicks and extensive gyrations. Can be performed anywhere including on the hoods of taxis, revolving doors, and in beer gardens.

BIGGIE:
We all enjoyed Chicago Part One, and I'm pretty sure Chicago enjoyed us. We rolled into the Magnificent Miracle Mile Millennium Marriot Friday afternoon. This marks the first time we have had to pay for lodging, and we did it in style, plus we had some coupons, so that's nice if you like that kind of thing. We treated ourselves to a heated game of basketball, followed by Spa-tacular pool/ steam room duo to round out the trifecta. Quickly browsed the Wanktravision lineup in the room- our favorite titles included: Hairless Honeydrippers, 100% Sex: No Plot Just Sex, and Ghettobooty 14- and then got ready for The Field Formerly Known As Comiskey Park. Hopped the subway eight or nine stops, arrived at US Cellulite Field just in time for opening fireworks, but didn't get to our seats until the third inning because trying to actually get into the park is more difficult than gancing into Fort Knox with a bazooka in your pocket.

Once inside, we threw a couple pitches for the radar gun and then spent the next couple of minutes convincing ourselves that the gun must've been wrong. Then Mojo tried to get our tickets upgraded from the stratosphere to somewhere we could actually watch the game and we were told that it would cost us $10 each at which point he began to pull up his shirt and ask the male ticket attendant "How about if I do this?" until he was exposing his nipples.

At some point the attendant in a aureola-induced trance gave us the upgrades for free, and we were on our way.

Oh yeah, in between all of the fireworks, fan quizzes, free towel naming, and usher harassment, there was a baseball game, and it was exciting, capped by a winning three run tater by Coco Crisp.

Editor's Note: Below is a summary of the game taken from espn.com. Coco Crisp (best name in baseball) did not in fact win the game. In fact, the Sox won, NOT the Indians. Nice fact-checking Biggie....

Hernandez (6-1) gave up four runs and six hits in six innings, including a game-tying three-run homer to Coco Crisp in the third. Neal Cotts pitched two shutout innings of relief and Dustin Hermanson pitched the ninth for his 12th save in as many chances.

After the game, we refueled at M-cubed (Mag. Mile Marriot) and then it was out to explore the nightlife in this strange new world. Shouts and thanks go out to native Chicagoans Kanye West, Common, Dana Gordon, and her friend who gave us some money bar suggestions. We first hit Rockit, and Rockit hit us back. Countless beers and shots later, we were watching two engaged girls make out with each other and wondering why we had never been to Chicago sooner. From Rockit we moved to Howl at the Moon next door-- a piano bar with way to many people and lots of questionable guest vocalists from the crowd. For Bostonians: think Jake Ivory's meets Karaoke Night at your local VFW. We stayed there long enough to watch one of the bachelorettes fall flat on her tailbone which led us to believe that maybe she had enough to drink.

We caught a cab to Belmont, where we found a bar, but spent most of our time outside watching Mojo gance in the streets with cars and cabs and trashed people. I think he was inspired after a girl that he had been talking to for a while asked Ed if he (MLJ) was gay. We then laughed ourselves back to the hotel and passed out in our clothes, or at least I did.

Chicago solidified itself as my favorite stop on the trip when we woke up to blue skies, minimal smog, and a Dunkin Donuts two blocks from the hotel. We walked to the Ohio St. beach, caught a quick tan, oogled a couple MILFs, had a quick jaunt (read: gance) inside the Medal of Honor Park and then did a lap around the Navy Pier- a cookie cutter tourist attraction with lots of kids, parents, and police boats looking for "evidence." Once again, we had a little detour (read: gance) into the Beer Garden for some live music and Mojo became an instant celebrity. Before getting the hell out of the Windy City and on our way to the Field of Dreams, we grabbed some Chipotle burritos (one of my personal favorites). Now into the heartland, things are about to get interesting.

Listserves and Lima Beans

2005-06-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

E. TODD:

Ok, folks. I just finished my first stint driving. I think the other guys pretty much covered PNC Park. But Jill, aka PNC Girl from previous posts, met up for a drink right before batting practice. Also, Morgan and Ed both got balls during BP. Ed rummaged for his after a dinger made a safe landing in the bleachers, and Morgan got his after making nice to AJ Burnett. I was on the phone with the Sherpa and he told me to tell AJ that the Boss says hi. Needless to say, AJ had no clue what I was talking about. But I was happy to see the Fish win, and Dontrelle's leg kick is something you gotta see in person.

Surprise of the day for me:
Crossing the Ohio border and seeing that we were entering Indiana, not Illinois. Gotta work on my midwest geography.

Surprise meal du jour:
The 1/2 lb Sourdough Thickburger from Hardee's. It is pretty reminiscent of a Sourdough Jack from Jack in the Box and absolutely tasty.

MORGAN:

Though mentioned in a previous post in reference to his new show, "Pimp My Computer", I would like to send out another personal thank you to Devo's brother Josh. My Dell is running smoother than ever, and this browser Fire Fox is really gr8. The hard reboot that you performed has enabled me to send out new listserves from my browser and my mainframe has remained remarkably stable. I feel like a new man--though that may sound strange coming from one man to another. Below are some lists I could send out on my listserve:

Early Candidates for Best Town Name:
- Scaggsville, MD
- Intercourse, PA
- Shy Beaver, PA
- Bird-in-Hand, PA
- (Col. Nathan R.) Jessup, MD/PA

Biggest Early All-Star Voting Travesties:
- Nomah as NL Starting Shortshop
- Ken Griffey, Jr. as NL OF

Potential Future Highlights on this Trip:
- Devo's Birthday Yucca/BBQ in Kansas City Sunday
- Sox vs. Cards World Series Rematch in St. Louis
- Field of Dreams pickup game on Saturday
- Willy Mo Pena Bobblehead Night in Cincy

PNC, Pierogies, and Prohibitions

2005-06-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

MORGAN:
Me (upon entering Pittsburgh): "This is the Steel City boys, drink it in. Drink it in...
Devo: "It ain't no Cleveland....or something"

Yup, that's right - we have both entered and left the 'Burgh since our last blog. Luckily, in between, we were treated to the beauty of a stadium that is PNC Park. I do declare it the nicest of the "new" baseball parks (sans Camden Yards, of course). City skyline views from your seat, romantic riverwalks, and cozy confines with plenty of good seats still available.
This brings me to my takeaway message: play it cool, Ushers. Remember those nice old gentlemen who used to wipe off your seat and greet you with a warm smile?? Well, they ain't at PNC. Those damn richers were on high-alert well into the 9th inning - harassing us whenever we tried to "move on up" Jeffersons-style.

"Let me see your ticket, I don't remember you", they would say. Well, let me say to this to you, kind sirs (while heavily slurring my words): "What, what, I thought this was America....you can't change seats in the 8th inning at a half empty stadium? I thought this was America..."

Game Related Tidbits:
- For a last place team with Ty Wigginton as their cleanup hitter, Pirates fans were surprisingly spirited and most of 'em stuck around to bitter end of a 6-3 game.
- Did I mention Pittsburgh's starting lineup included David Ross (Hek's friend Drone?) and some guy named Restovich? Godspeed Gents, godspeed. It might take some time to earn that nice ballpark you got there.
- the scoreboard was very 'theme-heavy"-- player photos had pirate eye patches on them, almost every announcement started and ended with the stereotypical Pirate gargle "aaaarrr", and most all writing was done in typefaces like "Ye Olde Courier" or "Treasure Map Bold".
Nevertheless, we enjoyed the people of Steel City, even The Damn Richers.

BIGGIE:

"On the road from Johnny Law Driving Update"- Devo just addressed the toll ticket machine with a come hither "helllloooo." So I can safely say that we made the most of our seven hours in Pittsburgh. First stop was HiTops, a heavenly sports bar with Iron City Pounders, IC LIght for the waist-watchers, and Pierogies for all. A Pierogy is basically a mashed potato mix inside a pasta shell so it is a lot like a dumpling, and it is a Steel City mainstay. We saw Big Papi's game-winning "tater" on a big screen satellite tv and learned more about the fine city of Pittsburgh from the attentive and informative wait staff ("I hope you like blondes.").

Her: "You're really complicated aren't you?"
Me: "I try not to be."

Final tally: Zero high-top shoes seen, five pierogies eaten, one factory of attractive women discovered, two extreme douche chills (both devo and ed inviting our waitress to come to chicago followed by her saying no immediately, backpedaling two steps and dropping her boyfriend into the conversation). Now we are on our way to Akron, OH for the night. Tell Anthony I love him.

ED:

I'd have to disagree with my co-workers and say that Pirates fans, all twerve of them, were not exactly the best in the world, and actually I'm not even sure if most of them were aware that a baseball game was being played. Which is understandable because somehow a group of minor leaguers showed to play as the home team, and the stadium is really quite nice, second only to SBC Park in San Francisco out of the ones I've been to. When we moved up to the richers section, there were a couple of guys yelling during one rally for everyone to stand up, but most people smiled at them politely and exchanged amused looks with their friends about these crazy folk who were standing and yelling.

But it was nice to be out of richers country where everyone bitches at their players if they have an off night (sorry Kaz Matsui), and into the land of Pennsyltuckians. Another Douche Chill to speak of in our Hi-Tops experience:

WAITRESS: OK, enjoy these beers.
MORGAN: Hey! Did you know that Virginia is for lovers, but Pennsylvania has Intercourse?
WAITRESS: (almost falling over backwards and reaching for her mase) What??!
MORGAN: You know... the t-shirt...there's a town called Intercourse in Pennsylvania...?
WAITRESS: (not following, but remembering she is paid in tips) Oh... um, thank you sir. (to some unseen person in the distance) What? OK, I'll be right over... (to us) Sorry guys, I have to run.

Needless to say her clothing was much less revealing when she returned.

OK, remember to spay and neuter your pets, and pray for us as we forage deeper into the sea of Red states... All hail King Bush!!

Dead-Heading in Akron

2005-06-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

We're packin' up in Akron, where we were shackin' up with our favorite aviator Dan "Mile High Club" Fahl.

Hitting the road to ChiTown right now. Check back in about 10 for a detailed update on the Steel City.

Intercourse and Shy Beavers in Pennsyltucky

2005-06-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

Ed note: This is our first in van posting, and this is us.
An update from Eric:

Virginia is for lovers, but Pennsylvania has intercourse. Thanks to my map studying skills, we figured out what this T-shirt means. There's a town called Intercourse, PA (it's right next to Bird-in-Hand, PA if you want to check your map).

Thanks and shout-outs to Jessa and Wesley Blades, who joined us at the Phillies game. It was good to see them. Dave came with us to the game as well. The stadium is probably one of the nicest I've ever been to. Everything was very open, and you could see the field from almost anywhere in the concourse. Dave and I got a little carried away during the Phils' comeback. They had one of those credit card giveaways with a Phillies blanket (sidenote - I still use the name Ryan Strobis, with Pine Crest's address every time I fill these out). Anyhow, Dave started holding his blanket out like a matador, and I charged it like a bull. Unbeknownst to me, there was a 1/3 full beer on the floor that I kicked clear across the aisle and douched the hell out of this 3 year old kid and his dad. Some of these guys say that the kid was crying, but I didn't see any of that. I'm pretty sure the Dad was way more worked up than the kid. (Dave, you should post a comment and give us a recap of what you thought was going on). Well, we apologized, and everything was cool.

I still don't even know how to make sense of what happened at the bar after the game. I was talking to this extremely crisp girl who may or may not have been any and all of the following or, perhaps, none at all: 411 verizon operator, stripper, adult film star, hooker, lesbian. Needless to say, she kept my attention most of the evening talking about things that are too naughty even for the internet. But I still hope to meet up with her on the internet in the future. If you're out there, Dallas, give me a call!!!

A quick Addendum from Edward:

These fools have touched on most of the past 24 hours, but I thought I'd add my 2 cents. Let's just say that being a Giants fan, wearing a Giants hat, writing a pro-Giants sign (if somewhat good-naturedly mocking) in a Phillies stadium was very comfortable to say the least. With the exception of a couple of drunk guys who kept the gay bashing comments flying (way to keep it classy guys, maybe you haven't noticed but you live in the city of "brotherly love"...), it was a overly welcoming atmosphere and most of the Phans were more interested in booing their own players than attacking Giants' fans. I gotta say that I would have faced more animosity wearing my Giants hat at a Red Sox / Yankees game in either Fenway or Yankee stadium where they unmercilously boo 9-year-old girls wearing Mets hats. Come on Philadelphia, I expected more out of you-- the majority of the taunts I got were from the 6 people I knew. We'll have to see how the Pittsburgians fare tonight...

My one major complaint was the one that cost the Giants' their manager and the game-- a fantastic catch by the Giants' left-fielder "Vote for" Pedro Feliz that was ruled a hit and allowed a run to score and ultimately contributed to the Utley grand slam. It was the worst call since Devo drunk dialed Dean Edelson last weekend in a moment of mis-guided passion and I'm still upset about it...

Quick town update, we just passed "Shy Beaver, Pennsylvania." Intercourse must not be far away... That is all for now as we continue on through this crazy state of richers that is Pennsyltucky.

P.S. One of the dudes we were staying with last night, namely Vaughn Pukenstein, was curdling blood last night with his projectile vomiting circa 5am, it was truly an aural feast and will not be forgotten easily.

Devo does Dallas

2005-06-02T02:12:00.000-07:00

Biggie:

The Phillies won on a game-winning-pinch-hit grand slam. For now, if you see a picture on the site, it is because i chose it. We had a great day in Philly today. The city tried to rival Boston as the Best Walking City in America, tied late, but lost in extra innings. We have decided that although Philly is a great place to visit, the field is definitely one of the most beautiful parks we've seen, and the beers were bar none (literally, 20 oz beers were the largest i've seen at a ballpark and very attainable), the Philly fans leave something to be desired. The organist and announcer failed miserably at getting any of the fans into the game and we tried to get the fans going with our "Kirk Rueter K-Meter" (it rhymes)- which only went to two since Mr. Rueter averages 1.6 K's per nine innings (of course he had three)- but we were hassled only by THE rowdy Phillies fan. In addition we made a young boy cry (if you wonder why, just check out the picture).

We then hit up THE irish pub of Philly, the boys chatted with some nurses, and one girl named Dallas who answers phone and blank blanks carpet in her free time. Devo had a pretty good chance of hooking up a threesome, or at least a twosome, but alas, a onesome was all that was in store and he made the most of it. Dallas did manage to accentuate her cleavage to him about ten times and definitely was looking for the big D, so cybersex dates are definitely in store and who know how many virtual positions they will try. Ed likes to exhibit his flatulence on leather couches, mojo has foot cramps, i am sleeping on a laz-E-boy, and devo sleeps "con cajones azul". thank you for taking the time to read us, and we wish you a pleasant night.

Twerve is the new Ereven...

2005-06-01T23:21:00.000-07:00

Morgan:
A few breakthroughs early in the day:
a) I was able to write a suggestion/complaint in the Philly City Hall, asking that they open a certain tall tower to tourists -- ala the Empire State Building. But, i guess Philly doesn't want to be one of the "top five east coast cities"...ain't no thing but a hooker's g-string.
b) I held a brief, albeit powerful press conference about a few bright West Philly boys who constructed a car out of a simple kit. Will Smith couldn't hold a candle to these brothas...
c) Devo's brother Josh "Pimped My Computer" (a new show on Discovery Channel) and freed it of such evils as "Spyware" and "gay Asian escort/porn pop-ups" which I was or was not getting...
d) Lots of great pics from Philly - we covered serious ground. From the Real World House (Devo is the new Willy), to a down-home nasty Cheese Steak joint called Jim's (the asian guy from "21 Jump Street" went there and signed a sweet head-shot).

I'm sure there's much more...but we're headed out again for the night! C'est La vie!!

Photoblog Pandemonium

2005-06-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

A Modern Recreation of "Washington Crosses the Delaware"

A little pregame brotherly love. Here is a picture of us overlooking the the Delaware River during our hiatus in Philadelphia. Much love has been had. Firstly, we have seen many black jews (at least one), second, we saw a hybrid car made by kids in west philadelphia (born and raised). we had cheesesteaks (wit, whiz). we peeped milfs in Rittenhouse square. we marveled at the headlines of the new "Deep Throat" movie being released.

If you are wondering, Devo is still hatless because the northeast is apparently in denial about the existence of the Florida Marlins (and rightfully so). But we are going to see the scrappy Giants' and no one is scrappier than today's starter, Kirk Reuter. So if you happen to be watching the Phillies and/or Giants, keep an eye open for a "Kirk Reuter 'K' Meter" as we will be loudly encouraging one of the great strikeout artists of our time...

Gotta go now, the game starts in 35 minutes!!! Stay tuned for an audio update from the game.

-TWERVE

digi-Nat-ic debauchery

2005-05-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

Consider this blog a work in progress. Please feel free to post comments/suggestions. We would like to keep our readers interested. At the behest of one Stephen Messinger we have made this edition into more of a "dialogue." Please let us know which format you prefer. -- Twerve

Eric:

The non-baseball highlight of my day was buying a digi-cam as a birthday present from my parents (thanks. Mom and Dad!). We were in Best Buy, Pentagon City in Arlington, VA, checking out the digimatics, when the fire alarm started to go off. Needless to say, this must have been bad for business. We went to our next stop, Costco, where I found the exact same camera with the rechargeable lithium battery for the same price (though clearly an upgrade). So it was a good start to the day for me. The camera is a Nikon. I haven't had a chance to charge it and start my picture-taking, but hopefully by tomorrow I will have her up and running.

Tonight's baseball game was sweet. The Nationals won 5-4 in a heated battle with the Braves. The Nats staged a money comeback, and the crowd was so excited I felt like it was game 7 of the World Series. It's really fun to go to a park and root for the home team, even if you could give two shits about either team. The peanuts were better than at Camden, and I had several more beers in me, so I was certainly enjoying myself. The one thing that pissed me off was that I couldn't get that clapping cheer going at the stadium. You know, the one that goes CLAP! CLAP!
CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!!! (Sidenote: When we first got to the mall today, we heard this song playing at Brookstone. Apparently it becomes that disco song "At the Carwash," which got all of us excited.) The PA people did not do a great job of getting the crowd into it, so I felt obliged to take some action. Props to the chica in the long sleeve UVA t-shirt for getting her people join in - but to no avail. Overall, the people of DC are definitely happy to have a baseball team once again, and I feel like they deserve it. Also, big up to Chas, one of my roommates from when I lived in DC. He came to the game with us and had some beers, despite the fact that he had flown back on the red eye from Vegas this morning. What a trooper...

Unfortunately, the Heat lost tonight. It is 2-2, and we're going back to Miami for game five. I feel like this one is all going to come down to God's plan. Watch the post-game interviews, and I'm sure all will agree.

Now we are on the road to Philly to stay with my boy Dave (aka ZB, aka the DS Express). Pictures of us running up the steps to the Art Museum Rocky style coming tomorrow...

Edward:

Holy shnookers, young Eric posted quite a long one so I'll try to keep this (relatively) short like a midget. I must first preface this, however, with the fact that Morgan has had (along with his ballpark food) some Roy Rogers and is turning this HandiVan into a modern day Auschwitz, so if I get a little bit light headed and stop making sense, please forgive me. And I'm also trying to avoid the pink-eye that Devo thinks he has come down with...

First things first, Devo has mentioned Chas, but neglected to bring up yesterday's "Kansan" of the day, John "Parkin" "the Gent" Kent who made his way over to catch up with the Joneses in Chevy Chase (named after the late great talk show hosted by the actor of the same name). The Gent kept it classy and introduced us to new (as of 1943) phrases such as, "You fellahs will be so bushed after the trip that you'll need to rest for a right bit," and confirmed Morgan's favorite, "I've taken a real shine to you."

Moving on, we also checked out what is thus far the best film of the year, Crash. I was tense the whole way through, Devo giggled like a child, BI cried, and our nearby neighbors reinforced some of the stereotypes that the movie tried so hard to dispell... This was followed by a rejoining with Morgan for the end of the new Star Wars which made me once again contemplate how George Lucas can craft a story like few others, but writes dialogue at the same level of a 3-year-old South Dakotan chisel monkey.

And to the main event, the game tonight redeemed the Orioles poor showing from the night before as the home team Nat's came through with a clutch win on a late game 2-run double by Nick Johnson and survived a late inning scare when Chad Cordero allowed a homerun by 73-year-old Julio Franco and allowed the tying runner to reach third base. But it all ended well and we're poised for a good game tomorrow with my new Giants' hat and a still-to-be-made Kirk Reuter "K" Meter (stay tuned for more on this tomorrow)...

On the road in beautiful Pennsyltucky, talk to you later-- and I'll try to give daily audioblogs live from the games from now on...

Morgan:

We started the Twerve trip at the Park that Randy Milligan, Larry Sheets, and Joe Orsulak built: Camden Yards. Next stop?? The Stadium that Joe Jacoby, Gary Clark, and Clint Didier made Great: RFK., Go Skins!! There is a new team in town, and they're surprising a few folks. So, as we pulled into our reserved parking space at RFK, I switched hats (quite literally) and decided to give it a go and cheer for the hometown DC squad. They did not disappoint. Nick "I look like Devo when I have a beard" Johnson provided most of the offense, which is quite nice for my ABC News fantasy squad. Chad Cordero, however, did his best D. Kolb/B. Looper Experience impression, but the Nats eventually prevailed and the old saying proved true: beers = victory. Oh, and one other age-old saying: it's not always good to have a lot of cell phone minutes-- No matter what "Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy" says before moving previews.

On the road to Philly right now...it ain't no trip to Cleveland.

A side note worth noting on the side: we like friends and visitors on the road. The Gent (previously mentioned) as well as Coxson, Chris, Jay, Colin, Chas, and of course, the lovely Annie Nichols were all part of our D.C. experience -- my brother Cooper and his very white, and directionly impaired friends also chilled at the O's game Sunday. Annie went to TWO O's games that weekend - what a sports nut!! Jessa, Dave, and possibly PNC Girl await ahead on the East Coast. After that?? Who knows....who knows...

I guess I need to weigh in on Star Wars: Episode III (i refuse to say the last part of the title)--pretty solid action, lots of great scenery and strange characters, and plenty of bad dialogue between Future Vader and Future Ex-Mrs. Vader. All in all, MUCH better than the previous two movies, and it cemented and elucidated a lot of information for a non-hardcore Star Wars person such as myself.

Finally, did we mention Devo is doing to sing a duet of "Summer Lovin" at an Immunology Symposium/Throwdown this summer?? It's worth another mention...

I am Locust!

Biggie:

So I feel like most of the past twenty-four hours have been covered, besides the threat of a nuculer war. I stayed sober tonight to make the drive to illadelphia, and had the enjoyable job of trying to corral the three drunken idiots into the van, navigate the slums of southeast d.c., and then deal with the stench comparable only to rotten clams in hot dog water. Crash was definitely worth seeing, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges delivered a surprisingly strong performance as did the lady famous for saying: 'There's gum on my seat... GUM." Oh yeah, and I'm looking forward to some future backseat driving after logging 650 straight miles in the handivan. This is General Malaise signing off, good morning and good night.

Boog's, Boobs and Beer Skimming

2005-05-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

Twerve has begun...at the greatest park in baseball: Camden Yards.

This is a view from our adopted seats using Mojo's phone. What a ballpark.

It took 5 people in a 2 person convertible to get the trip underway, but it began in style. And an historic game it was. Napoleon "Calzone" Calzado came through with a bloop single in his first major league at bat (eliciting a "make yourself a damn quesadilla, Napoleon!!" cheer from Morgan, which was greeted by a blank stare as we later learned that the only two English words he knew were "Sammy" and "Sosa"). And the "Steves" (Reed and Kline) ruined the day with a vengeance by allowing the anemic Tiger's offense to put on a 7th inning hitting clinic to blow a 6-1 lead for an ultimate 8-6 defeat.

As for the amenities at Oriole Park at Camden Yards:
The seats were decent, but I (Eric) hate sitting in a part of the stadium where I have to constantly look either to the right or the left. We were in the left field foul area, looking to our extreme rights, until the 4th inning, when we moved in the sun, behind the left field foul pole, facing frontward to home plate. What a difference 2 sections make!

Boog's BBQ, one of the food staples of the park, was somehow out of pork. Potential disaster. But disaster was averted, as the BBQ beef sandwich with the horseradish and BBQ sauce loaded on was primo. Morgan and Ed give the "A-OK!" to the Clipper City microbrew beer. Morgan also wishes it were called City Clipper, but that's another story altogether.

The scoreboard was pretty solid, and featured the usual guess the crowd size, who is this player?, and a moving Brian Roberts highlight montage set to popular music. The highlight, however, is the three-card-monty-with-crabs-hiding-a-baseball routine. Everyone found the right crab...except Ed. He hates crabs...but that's another story altogether. And by crabs, we mean the shellfish, which are also a popular, Chesapeake area food.

2 Douche Chills to speak of:
a) Topless guy sitting in front of us at the game was determined to have his arm around his bra-less girlfriend (two of many boobs in the vicinity). His unclothed, and occasionally sweaty arm, however, gently brushed Morgan's leg for a generous helping of AMC (Awkward Man Contact). Thanks dude. I (Morgan) hope it was as awkward for you as it was for me--but I somehow doubt it.

b) Future Douche Chill to look for. Devo was invited to sing a duet of "Summer Loving" at Dr. Dutton's 50 years in Immunology Throwdown/Symposium on June 17th. Someone bring a camera and keep it rolling! Please!

A quick Spring (Sudden) Valley nighttime update: we have happened upon a new drinking game involving swim trunks, singing and socials- Beer Skimmer. Invented by a couple of St. Albans boys, Beer Skimmer is a game not unlike Beirut except that you are half naked, swimming in a backyard pool, tossing water skimming-discs instead of ping pong balls and trying to knock over beer cans set up in threes. In order to begin your team of two needs to assume a team name involving a fish. Popular names included Monkfish, Gefilte Fish, Spring Break Shark Attack, and of course, Crazy Big Head Cape Cod Toddfish (a tribute to three of our favorite Todds). First team to knock over a can 11 times wins, switch sides at 6 (deep end to shallow end and vice versa) and you must drink constantly. If a team knocks over two in a row, they get the skimmers back, if your skimmer hits the water and sinks its a flounder and the thrower has to butterfly across the pool and back then chug a beer, a skimmer that doesn't hit the water is an Air Raid, and if you split the cans and miss, it is called shooting (or shopping at) the gap. There are some other intricacies that are too subtle to even discuss. Anyway, much fun was had, a lot of chlorination, PNC girl was conspicuously absent, but we had fun and Manny Ramirez is a Manchild. Go Heat!

Sorry for the long post, we will try to post shorter and more often. Twerve!

News You Can Use: Correct Pronunciation of 'Twerve'

2005-05-30T15:51:00.000-07:00

PNC Crime

2005-05-29T03:08:00.000-07:00

We are attempting to post from "American Online", for those you don't know, this is a "dial up" internet connection. Therefore, it might take us a bit longer to get to the main point.
The main point is - tonight was pre-game, festivities, interludes, and most of all, Devo's PNC girl. Stay tuned for more from Pittsburgh about PNCG...Ed was late tonight- 1.5 hours late after waiting on the 2nd curb at Dulles for a van service that didn't service him. Devo, however, was serviced by Morgan's dog Opie, continuously on the couch...and he liked it.

Speaking of Opie, Biggie and Devo graciously walked him and he pissed on a fire hydrant - so cliche.

a few thoughts from the Adams Morgan, DC nightlife: too much smoking, girls were "either too tall or too wide -- no happy medium" and cabs without meters are like TLC without Left Eye. Nut' said.

2 strange coincidences:
a) earlier today, Biggie asked Devo: "is there an Israeli beer??...is it called He-Brew?" as a joke. Unbeknownst to Either OF THESe YOUng MEn, this BEER WAS ACTUALLY PURCHASED BY MORGAN'S MOM FOR CONSUMPTION AT THEIR HOUSE. imagine that!

b) pregaming at Morgan's friend Chris' apartment, we noticed a few old posters of obscure movies - one film called "Barbarella" starring Jane Fonda. Later that eve, at the Blue Room, the movie du jour was none other than "Barbarella" starring a futuristic Jane Fonda (pre "Monster-in-Law")

The orioles lost today on a boneheaded dropped possible double play by Palmeiro. They lost. tomorrow is a new day, and it is upon us. Twerve.

2005-05-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

Devo resting up for the trip...

Coming soon! "Twerve" the Real World, HandiVan Edition!

2005-05-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

That's right, starting May 29 check back for up to the minute updates on the baseball watching tomfoolery of 4 twentysomething jackasses living in a HandiVan down by the river (of life).