Twerve Days of Baseball

Morgan, aka TinyGancer@clownpenis.fart:

One Final Listserve with a few moments & motions that stand-out in my mind:

1) That saying "you ever had your shit pushed in my a richer??" can be the funniest phrase ever uttered at 6am in a hotter-than-hell hostel in Chicago
2) Ed's furtive hand touching in the Kansas City Jayhawks pic. Scroll down a few entries and see for yourself...
3) The overall friendliness of people. Whether in the City of Brotherly Love (albeit the city that cheers gleefully when players get hurt) or in the City that MILF's Built (make that "Cities"), we were treated with warm and sincere hospitality--especially considering we had a furry woodland creature like Devo in tow. Once people learned and understood our "mission"--and yes, we had a mission--they reacted like our long-lost brothers and sisters. Offering us "Bronsons" (Kansas City for beer) and frozen broccoli (Airline Attendant for late-night snack).

Hek helps us find our way: "Over those tall, pointy ones, and then walk through the Lincoln Tunnel, and past the sea of twirly, swirly gumdrops..."

4) My gancing. It has freed my soul and liberated my spirit...And yes, I still have a girlfriend. Annie actually first saw my gancing in its infantile stages and provided me with the creative fuel I needed to keep going. You guys haven't seen the half of the half.

Keepin' it real in Steel City

5) The HandiVan. She was sturdy, sea-worthy, and true the whole trip through. When you're able to have leg room in a car that also occupies Nicholas Dutton-Swain, you thank your lucky stars. I'll miss you Handi, in all your glorious Handi-ness. G-- bless you.














We came. We most definitely came.

"The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers; it has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again"
-- Terrence Mann

Biggie:

Now that the van is safe and sound back in its home in "The Lake" (sounds like a new WB drama) I felt like saying my piece. Well when all is said and done, we visited 19 states and travelled over 3800 miles... to put that in perspective, that is 400 miles further than traveling from Allagash, ME to San Diego, CA (and more states too!).

Before we begin, a quick word from our sponsors...
Biggest surprise on the trip was PNC Park in Pittsburgh, very cool... great nightlife (or afternoon) near the park, great views of the bridges, river, and city, and solid field. Biggest disappointment was the Mets game, the only game we left before it was over, although I did get to eat a little sundae in a mini-helmet, and in the words of Hot Knees, it was "delish." Wrigley was definitely the park that everyone should see in their lifetime (much like Fenway) and Tequila Roadhouse should be experienced, since it was probably the craziest place we went, I wish we had pictures, but they wouldn't even be able to do it justice. Gates BBQ in KC was the best ballpark food, in my humble opinion, and the best game was definitely the power-stack filled, bobblehead slugfest in Cincinnati. My favorite Ginger on The Real Gilligan Island is probably Erika Eleniak, my favorite Inferno character is the new and improved reverse mowhawked Landon, from the Real World Philly (I saw where he lived!), and my favorite movie that I've seen in the last week is Batman Begins (Christopher Nolan is my hero).
My life has slowed down considerably since returning from the trip. I have decided to follow in the footsteps of Dr. Mortimer D. Sackler and attend Tufts University School of Medicine in the fall, so I have been busy trying to find an apartment that has suitable room for me to do my experiments. Seriously though, The Big Throwdown: Three Fast, Three Furious is approaching... furiously, and still trying to coordinate visitors from such locales as Boulder, CO, Akron, OH, and Gay Head, MA. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading our travels as much as we enjoyed writing about them, and I'm definitely considering blogging my first year in med school, if I have any free time, so stay tuned. As always, dear reader, visit the links and the sponsors, and have yourself a twerverrific day.

Eric:

Take 2. Just tried to post and it didn't save. I am an idiot.

Since I have returned from Twerve, I have reverted back to one of my former aliases, Silent Devo (only the reason this time is much different than it was at Phish New Year's Eve 2000). The main thing on my mind has been getting back my MCAT score, so I have been trying to avoid people a) so as not to jinx myself and b) so I wouldn't have to tell people that I suck if I didn't do well. Thank the lucky stars that I did well enough that I have a decent shot of getting into an accredited medical school North of the Carribbean.

I have also moved into a new apartment with the help of the Handi Van (bless her soul). We made it in only 2 trips (thanks to some help from Mess). The Handi can fit a queen size mattress in her hull. Unreal... In celebration of the new place/MCAT results/my belated birthday, we are having a BBQ. Anyone interested come hang out.

All I can say to sum up the trip is thank you Twerve, thank you fellow travellers, and thank you gracious hosts for showing us your cities and a good time. I can't wait to talk about Twerve in my med. school interviews.

Signing off...

Ed:

To quote one of our "Songs of the Trip" (which, in turn was sampling from another song):

"Diamonds are forever,
They won't leave in the night,
I've no fear that they might desert me."

Yes, we saw a lot of baseball diamonds, and while they all might not last forever (perhaps with the exception of Wrigley), the majesty baseball and our memories of Twerve will. Even if the Giant's and A's can't break .500 this year.

But that aside, we had a twervriffic time on the road, and would suggest that everyone take some sort of trip to look for America, in whatever medium they choose, doesn't have to be baseball. Churches, concerts, capitols, richer's houses. Whatever.

And now that I have moved (yes, 3 of the 4 of us have relocated since the trip, and the 4th will be in a new apartment before the end of the summer), I have finally begun to organize all of our various footage taken. I've finished up a short preview of gancing, which should hopefully be up at gancing.com by the end of the weekend. Soon to follow after that, a trailer of "Twerve: The Movie," followed in due time by the real deal-- "Twerve: The Movie." For those of you who enjoyed hearing about our misadventures, we hope that this will put an end to your living through us vicariously, and let you experience the trip from the comfort of your own DVD player. So stay tuned, and check gancing.com frequently for more info...

So for now, we've rejoined the real world. But should anyone get the urge to drop what they're doing and take off on an impromptu trip, we're probably some good people to recruit... Until then, be twerve to the world, and the world will be twerve to you.

"Hot Knees, I’m lost," I said, though I knew he was sleeping.
I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why.
Counting the cars on the New jersey turnpike,
They’ve all gone to look for America,
All gone to look for America,
All gone to look for America.

-TWERVE-

MoJo:
It's been about Twerve Days since we returned from the Twerve Days of Baseball roadtrip. Given time to reflect and review, we will be publishing our final Twerve Blog very soon. The trip was an eventful, emotional, and inspirational roller-coaster. Many highs, a few lows, and lots of AMC (Awkward Man Contact). Douche Chill!!
Speaking of that, I will leave you with today's moment of Zen:

How jealous is A-Rod right now??!!

Mojonation.Blogspot.com

ED:

Hello? Does anyone still read this thing? I guess it doesn’t bode well that I seemed to have forgot that this existed, but I must just hope that there are still a few furry woodland creatures who check in from time to time. Since the last time I’ve blogged, we have arrived home, seen our last game, had a roof top party that contributed to our neighbors being kicked out of our building, plus -- I have moved, contracted the flu, slept for 16 hours in one night, seen Batman Begins (Christopher Nolan is the man), and mostly recovered from said flu.

As I write this, I am sipping a fine glass of Pinot and preparing for the upcoming party at Andrew “Uncle Shotgun” Dombrowski’s. And sitting in Bridget and my new apartment (is that correct grammar, it took me three minutes to word that and it still sounds wrong) which is missing a wall, table, and some lighting, but is “homey” nonetheless…


Outside of the Real World Philadelphia House We Pondered That Eternal Question: "What Would Landon Do" (WWLD)

So, what is there left to discuss about Twerve, you ask? Well, what about the fine people outside of the Northeast? All the “red state” dwelling, god fearing religers out there in the middle? I must say that for the most part (swearing dad’s, not-withstanding) there are some fine folk out in the middle. For some flight attendants, drunk Kansans, bachelorettes, and students out drinking the day before taking their finals to take in 4 dirty, smelly Twerves wearing their last pair of shorts and baseball t-shirts acquired by signing up for credit cards under assumed names, is to be commended, if not ultimately discouraged. (Dads out there, may I suggest teaching your daughters not to bring home the likes of us, for we may fall asleep on their aerobeds. Ewww.)


Midwesterners Have a Sick Sense of Humor...

So thank you all out there in Middle America. (Though, flight attendants, we still await our pictures from your apartment, and word on what Kelly Johnson things of the blog—by the way, congratulations to Kelly on his first major league homer. And it looks like Mr. Teahen has been tearing it up recently as well. What can I say, we are good luck.) But I digress, as always. So, as a group of merry, foul-mouthed puppets once sang, “America, fuck yeah! ... it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow.”

They also sang “America, FUCK YEAH! So lick my butt, and suck on my balls.” But that somehow seemed less relevant. Or appropriate... And yikes, I think I just scared away our under-8 readership…

So for now, I leave you with this mind-scratcher that Morgan and I bid adieu to a couple of nice young ladies with last night at Ryan’s Daughter on the Upper East Side: If you could do one celebrity, who would it be?

My answer?

Most definitely Christian Slater.



What? Did I just write that?

Shit, the backspace button stopped working right now! FUCK! Oh well, I give up…

By the way, I apologize for the long, rambling, overly-compound sentences. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t even understand what I’m saying half the time.

Good night…

AND BE ON THE WATCHOUT FOR GANCING.COM!!!

DO YOU GANCE?

MORGAN:

Rule #74: Never blog on an empty stomach.

However, I am making an exception to this very important rule because I had a few near-death experiences biking back from Ed's place on the Upper West side. I was biking on sidewalks, on streets going the wrong way, high-fiving chinese delivery men--it was a rejuvenating breakthrough.

With that said, I have a few shameless plugs--kind of a "Reading Rainbow" recommendation: "don't take my word for it, check it out at your local library!"
If you like this blog, there are and will be others like it.
My blog, which has been on hiatus for the duration of this trip, is Mojonation.Blogspot.com
Ed's blog, or what used to be Ed's blog, is Jemus.Blogspot.com

And of course, look for Gancing.com to blow up sometime in the next few weeks. This is not the end of the Twerve Blogging Experience, but I just wanted to throw out a few tidbits for you loyal readers out there. You deserve it.

Before I added Twerve lbs to my gut...

MORGAN:
During this trip and afterwards, the 2 most popular questions I received were:
a) How did you pay for this?
b) What were the best stadiums you saw??

Answers:
a) Years of window-washing, the sophomore year drug ring, and a little Mediterranean prostitution op I set up in high school

b) this answer is a bit more nuanced...yes, I just said nuanced.
Here are my rankings (based on 2 categories)- my colleagues can chime in if they so choose...

Atmosphere
1. Busch Stadium, St. Louis
2. Wrigley Field, Chicago
3. Camden Yards, Baltimore


Busch Stadium BP: Get a load of that owl!

Overall Look/Style/Vibe:
1. Camden Yards
2. PNC Park, Pittsburgh
3. Wrigley Field


Camden Yards: The Realness

I know what you're saying..."yeah, yeah, you went to some stadiums--but what about the cities themselves?? Give us the Twerve rundown and review! We trust you more than Fodor's or Zagat's. We trust you more than God"...whoa, don't get too carried away there, oh loyal reader. The Twerve City Rankings will follow shortly. Stay tuned.

Biggie:
I know there were some questions as to my whereabouts after my Friday night drive back to Boston. Let it be known that my midnight ride is now considered in Boston to be so important, that it is second only to that famous "One if by land, Two if by sea..." one, whoever did that. Anyway, I am home, and I'm sure a lot of people have already deleted twerve.blogspot.com from their bookmarks and such, seeing as how we haven't posted anything in a couple of days, and the trip being finished and all, but I wanted to throw my 'two sense' at least one more time, because there are still a ton of funny pictures, and more than a few funny pictures to go with them. Plus gancing.com is not off the ground yet, so we have to give the people a little something to hold them over.


Once back in NYC, we took some time to emulate our favorite characters from Twerve: The Road Trip, at the local batting cages. I think Mojo might have had some trouble figuring out which way the batting helmet went. Thanks to Eaton for taking the picture, and making us look good in the cages... just kidding.


"That puts a lot of pressure on this pair."
There is an overall lack of washing machines on road trips. When I was younger, we had two washing machines, but I guess that was a bygone era...
Needless to say, by the end of our trip, our clean clothes were wearing thin (figuratively and literally) and we were all down to our last pair of shorts. My tally: one pair ripped beyond repair, one unseemly oil stain, one pair (pictured) duct-taped to appear almost normal, and one pair with way too much guacamole and grease to even be considered a viable option.


This picture is dedicated to all of the religers, pardon my french, and their religer propaganda that we encountered. My favorite was the two sequential billboards (they couldn't fit them all onto one) that spelled out the ten commandments in Old English" font. Unfortunately, the only Old English we were concerned with was of the malt variety.


A twerve first. Actual documentation that we were not making up the Kansas City Jayhawks. We received this picture a couple days after our visit, and now unleash it to the general viewing public. Thanks ladies, if that rash doesn't clear up in a few days, seek medical attention.


Yeah that's right, it only goes up to two. Of course on this particular night, Kirk decided to strike out three Phillies, a career high I am sure.


Photographic proof that gargoyles exist. Notice the slit eyes, , claws, wings, and bared teeth. If you try to prevent this particular gargoyle from getting what it wants, it may start exposing its chest to lure you into its trap. In daylight, and without a couple red bull vodkas, the gargoyle takes on a human form (seen here).

This is also a tribute to Chicago, our favorite city of the trip. So nice we visited twice.

More from the Odyssey of Odysseus if any of these other bloggers want to sound off...

MOJONATION:
If you haven't guessed by now, we're back in the NYSizzle, safe and sound...though Biggie did make his Midnight Run back to Beantown- has anyone heard from him?? He left with the stealth and swiftness of a bobcat.

Beltran Couldn't Buy us Love on a Steamy Evening at Shea

M-E-T-S! They did their darndest to keep us from seeing us 6th home team win, and golly gee, when those New Mets put their mind to something, they really go for it! Sans Piazza and Kaz Matsui (Biggie and Devo missed the NY Ritual of mercilessly booing the poor, bewildered import), the New Mets got smoked. It was in fact the first game we didn't stay until the very end for--but hey, it's New York, we've got to rendez-vous with Paris at Lotus. We all know she waits for no man, though we did have night-vision on our camera. So we had that going for us, which is nice.

Mini-Helmets: They're not just for Ice Cream anymore...

I gave it the ol' college try in the Upper Deck at Shea and tried to revive the Zombie-like crowd with my sweet moves. It was a bit like "Gances with Wolves" (though i've never seen the flick), some trepidation at first, mixed with some hostiliy, but ultimately nothing but encouragement and goodwill. I even did an encore on the 7 train, using Devo and a rail as a prop. Who knew Hot Knees didn't like getting shoved out subway cars that much???

You be the Judge

However, that very same Hot Knees was so bushed from trying to withstand our subway shoves, that he tried to pass out when we got home. Nice try, Hot Knees!
I still had to do my best Dr. Phil impersonation at the BBar, counseling a young female locked in a bad relationship: "if he doesn't treat you well, he's making a big mistake. If you don't leave him now, you're making an ever bigger one."
We actually never met the BBar's guest of honor, bloody-nosed Sarah ("she's the one with the tissue in her nose"), but hey, "triangle food" awaited at Apt. #5D (that's Easy Mac to drunk Jemus).

Stay tuned for more pics, summaries, and stories form the mind of Twerve.

Sing this song to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the Twerveth day of baseball, the road trip gave to we:

Twerve Days of Baseball,


Ereven Douche Chills,


Ten Flippin' Ballparks,


Nine Chipotle Burritos,


Eight Richers Riching,

Seven Midwest MILFs,


Six Hi-Tops Hotties,


Fiiiiiive Hoome Teeam WINS!

Four 'Tripping Bloggers,


Three Bachelorettes,

Two Gancers Gancing,


and a Wily Mo Bobblehead Doll.

We sincerely thank our readership for their feedback and interest. The more we get, the more we can answer. Thems' the rules. Without further ado...

"hot damn! you guys are fucking unbelievable. Great pictures, I am still in shock. Keep the good words rolling…"
-Churchill Halsted Franklin, Boston, MA

Thanks Chip. Don't worry, you've already made it out of your parents house and you might make it out of the Boston City Limits one of these days. We saw some great apartments for rent in Wrigleyville that had your name on them. Most of them were smaller than the place you have near Fenway, but I'm sure you and Barber wouldn't mind bunking together. Douche Chill!

"You guys are entertaining even if Devo does look like a furry woodland creature is just about every photo."
- Johnny "The Breeze" Swindal, Birmingham, AL

Johnny, hope you're as crazy as ever. Devo shaves diligently every morning, but somehow, by game time, his coat is as thick as ever. Go figure! As a wise Birminghamian once said: "So the Red Sox are 9-4... IT'S THE SECOND WEEK OF THE SEASON! Who gives a god damn!?!?"

"i need more gancing... keep up the good work. biggie should pinch hit for big papi."
- Ben "Benny" Devon, Boulder, CO

Lil' Devo, you've got a lot to learn about the world. The internet, blogging, and pot are all things you will experience in due time. As for gancing, sorry we couldn't include more pics, Morgan's moves are just too fast for a still camera--even a digital one. We tried repeatedly. Please check Gancing.com in a few weeks for the full audio/visual experience. Until then, hopefully this pic will help whet your appetite.


"Keeps getting better. I now have a "handivan/gancing" billing code at work to account for all the time I spend everyday reading this blog"
- Kevin Immonje, Brighton, MA

Kev, once you see our video footage, it will blow "Kenyans in Exile" out of the water. Unfortunately, right now, there is no Fullscreen version, so you'll have to watch it in Widescreen. We promise the film of our trip will replace "Catwoman" and "The Big Bounce" at the top of your Netflix queue.

"Dude, this blog is genius.  You guys are great writers, and it makes me jealous I'm not a part of everything. I told a few of my advertising buddies out here in Portland and they're tracking your progress as well"
- Seth "Sloth" Coffrin, Portland, ME
Editor's Note: He lives in Portland, OR. Morgan just keeps forgetting there's actually two of them.

Dear Seth, thanks for taking time from your busy schedule planning LeBron's next commercial and trading for players like Chipper Jones who will be on the DL for the next 4-6 weeks. Well, at least you now have Mike Piazza...wait it's 2005, is Portland in a baseball time warp or have you just been watching too much ESPN Classic??

"Twervers...Hope all your twerving dreams come true! Glad to hear you guys are getting your twerve on, sounds like fun. I'm jealous that you guys played on the FOD...you'll have to send me the directions. Biggie: that quote is even better than the one in the movie, it still gets me fired up!!
P.S. Who's Nut'?"
- Mason R. Smith, Albany, NY

MRS - The Twervers have twerved themselves repeatedly and consistently throughout all twerve days of this trip. As for Field of Dreams directions, take Route 20 from Rockford, IL until you hit Heaven. Can't miss it. Nut' said.

"People will come Ray... people will most definitely come."

"Just wanted to cheer you on and thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us...I especially enjoy the 'notable douche chills' section...God speed, ye merry gentlemen.  And twerve yourselves."
-Benjamin H. Weber, New York, NY

Dear Hek, here is a special douche chill we have been waiting to tell you about. Since Morgan has been sleeping with Annie in the same bed for the last year-plus, he has gotten a bit too used to his nocturnal freedom. For this very reason, we rotated the sharing of beds most every night, since Morgan's bedmate often woke up with an arm, hand or leg somewhere it shouldn't have been. "What? Those aren't two pillows?" Douche Chill!!

Luckily on this night, Morgan had the aerobed to himself.

"So I thought this whole blog thing was silly when y'all told me about it but now I am straight up addicted and find myself unable to sleep in anticipation for Morgan's next witty blog entry. I definately think you should turn this whole trip into a screenplay because I would pay to see this movie"
- Melissa Hooks, Kansas City, Kansas

Yup, these are our readers.

BIGGIE:

Officially six hours into day ereven of the trip, also known as the Odyssey of Odysseus. We've now had a chance to digest some the highs and lows of the trip and address some observations, thoughts and concerns that may not have fit elsewhere. We want to answer a mailbag, present a couple lists, and look for some overall themes from our experience.

First, Devo's Bad Joke of the Day:
Upon seeing some Amish people in Pennsyltucky climbing into a van: "It's only two horsepower."

Yesterday, my slide down the slippery slope of Biggie sizing myself finally plunged into an abyss. Breakfast: Carnitas Chipotle Burrito. Snack: Beef Jerky. Lunch: Six Sliders from White Castle, and a box of fries. Dinner: a Cheese Coney at the Pretty Good American Ballpark (consists of a chili dog with a huge helping of grated cheese on top (see picture). Second dinner: A bowl of Cincy's famous chili and a grilled cheese sandwich. I think I am going to go purge myself and reboot my digestive tract.


My mouth has now grown to twerve times its size.

Morgan's Road Ragin' Quotes:
When referring to another minivan in the fast lane - "Oh you have a cooler? Oh it's a family vacation? GET IN THE RIGHT LANE!!!"
Upon seeing a car in front of us slow down to exit - "Oh, that's what you're doing? Oh OK, then do that."
Other times when cars were too slow in the fast lane - "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." and "You wanna play games? Let's play games."
In reference to 'Banquet' by Block Party and 'Unconditional' by The Bravery - "This song is requires me to drive like a maniac."
When asked to quickly open the back windows to vent an especially pungent Bogart stinkbomb - "You can't spring that on me! You're asking me to do something I never learned how to do."
Because he loves old people - "Just because you're old, doesn't mean you can kill people."
To a Cadillac whose driver could not see over the steering wheel - "Who do you think is driving, a man or a woman? Oh, it's a seventy year old man... GET IN THE RIGHT LANE!"
On being confronted with tractor trailers in both lanes - "Make like Siamese twins and separate."
When the same tractor trailers wouldn't separate - "You are FUCKING me!"
While being cut off in Ohio - "You're not going to do- you did it, you just did it."

"I apologize to the State of Pennsyltucky for all of my transgressions and will promise never to wear my jean cutoffs in public again."

On a couple of occasions, Mojo and I posed for pictures with sports heroes of the past:

Phillies' pitching great Steve Carlton. The kids really liked his legs, MoJo liked his package.

Cubs announcer Harry Caray. "Hey Norm... if you were a hot dog... would you eat yourself?"

MORGAN:

There's a lot to cover boys and girls, but I can cover more ground that Jim Edmonds with a jet pack (thanks for signing my hat Jim!!)

A few things that slipped thru the cracks...

- Nicholas "Biggie" Dutton-Swain is a refined and accomplished athlete; however, on this trip, he flat out "shit the bed" on 2 chances to grab a game ball.
1) Pittsburgh, PA: Batting practice homer ricochets off a wall and spins directly toward the barehanded, but eager Mr. Dutton-Swain. I am standing inches behind him with my trusty glove ready for the grab. Biggie calls me off like a misguided left fielder and the ball spins right through his clasped hand and back onto the field. Ooops!
2) Cincinnati, OH: A freshly made-to-order foul ball floats toward our section. Is it coming at us?? Well, kind of...it's coming right at Biggie! And he has the whole aisle to circle under it and make the fair catch. The LargeMan, working on about 2.4 hours sleep, doesn't maneuver quickly enough and the ball drops onto the concrete, awaiting some MidWestern hick with splotchy facial hair. Better luck next time, Nick!

Devo was more prepared, but just unlucky at PNC Park.

My Driving Pet Peeves
- Overhead signs that instruct you to "Reduce Speed" but yet there is no need for speed reduction. This slows traffic and pisses me off. I also despise signs that give "Minute Updates" to let you know how far it will take to get somewhere. How 'bout you let me keep driving and find out for myself!
- Trucks in the left lane. I know there are laws in the works to outlaw Minivans (expect The HandiVan) from the fast lane, but big rigs have no business in my territory. Nut' said.
- Biggie drinks a lot...A LOT. Coffee, water, milk, hot smoothies, beer - he does it all.
We actually monitored his liquid intake for a full day and it was astounding. What does this all mean?? He needs to urinate a lot....A LOT. No group has ever had to stop for pee breaks on the road this much since the "Dixie Chicks" went on tour. So, we stopped every hour on the hour for Biggie to empty his unproportionally small bladder, despite chants of "Jug! Jug! Jug!" in hopes he would relieve himself in one his huge water jugs.

Some choice Pickup lines/Conversation starters:
1) "I have a trivia question...do you know how many fountains are in Kansas City?"

2) "Excuse me, do know where Hooters is? We're looking for free wings..."

3) "I saw you looking over here at me, I thought I should introduce myself. I'm Dallas" - "Dallas" to Devo in Philly

4) "We're going on a baseball road trip to Chicago, wanna come?"
Pittsburgh Waitress: "Ah, I need to go buy groceries tonight."

5) "Michael Barrett, you had a great game tonight!!" - said to a chick in Chicago wearing the jersey of the Cubs catcher who hit 2 homers that night.

6) "Hey Papi! I love your mango salsa!" - Devo to David Ortiz

7) "You're incredibly crisp...and also incredibly young" - said to an underage hottie in St. Louis.

St. Louis: Home to an old arch and some young ladies.

Some Middlebury College reminiscing:
Ed: "Remember 'Redesigning Chip'?"
Morgan: "Oh yeah, that was great. Hilarious."
Biggie: "What was 'Redesigning Chip'?"
Ed/Morgan: "I don't remember/Not really sure"

More ramblings and a mailbag still to come...

Morgan:

This morning's exchange between bedmates Morgan and Biggie:
M: "How was I?"
B: "We were definitely spooning for half the night. It was impossible not to."

Overheard last night at a sidewalk ATM in Cincin-Nasti, as a particularly tight package wrapped in white pants walked by:
"Devo, get the ranch!"

Two young ladies were discussing the hit and run problems in Cincy after we had a close call in a crosswalk, and I suggested that the city slogan should be: "If They Drop, Don't Stop."

We're now on the long road to New York, with Cincy in the rearview and lots of highway in front of us. How was Cincy you ask? The Reds vs. the Devil Rays?? Are you wondering why we didn't just skip it and blog all night?? Well, we made the wise choice and attended. We made the even wiser choice to stay until the end, and the players at The Pretty Good American Ballpark treated us to a display of offensive fireworks we haven't seen (or smelled) since the HandiVan left Kansas City.


The (Not So) Great American Ballpark

Ed:

Game recap, or as Hot Knees refers to it, "the part of our blog that no one wants to read." (Funny, I always thought that the unpopular sections were when Devo delved into his profuse night-sweating bouts.) Our expectations were set pretty low last night with the Devil Rays in town, but as I said before, we are usually proven wrong... We were treated with a WIly (pronounced "Willy") Mo Pena bobblehead upon entrance (so far there had been 3 other giveaway days, but you had to be twerve or under to receive them), so we felt that good things could be on the way. And starting in the second, the fireworks began, quite literally, when Wily Mo crushed a bomb to center and the Pepsi Power Stacks erupted like Hot Knees after a particularly potent cup of chili.


Pepsi Power Stacks Pre-Eruption

Six and a half innings and 6 home runs later, we had upgraded to some nice third base line seats and the Reds were battling back, now down 9-8. A resurgent Griffey, Jr. (we've learned that the way he has stayed healthy this year is by never running -- ever -- during the game) tied it up with a seeing-eye single to right and as fate would have it, Mr. Bobblehead himself, Wily Mo came up in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs. With 20,000 bobbleheads being waved around the stadium WMP crushed a pitch over the foul pole and onto a building beside and behind the Upper Deck (conservatively estimated at 428 ft.). The fireworks sparked for the last time, the bobbleheads bobbled, and Dr.-to-be Devon quickly dubbed Wily Mo the best player of all-time and offered me his .174 hitting second baseman to trade for WMP in our fantasy league. Nice try, Hot Knees.


Devo Cools Off His "Hot Knees"

Side Note: You can't find food in Cincinnati after 10PM. Eww.

The Artist Formerly Known as Hot Knees:

We didn't have any beers at the Great American Ballpark, since we were still recovering from Chicago, II. The beer prices were pretty standard - I think around 5.75 for 16 ounces. But the best deal by far was free 10 wings from Hooters any time the Reds score 10 or more runs. Unfortunately, the nearest Hooters is in Kentucky, across the Ohio River. By the time this girl who is a professional Irish Jigger told us where it was, we were almost back to our hotel, which was in the opposite direction. So we wandered around for awhile looking for a place to eat, and checking out all of the hot girls in tight pants headed to McFadden's for Wednesday night drink specials. We were way too bushed to join them, but if anyone is in Cincinnati and wants to see where the beautiful women of Cincy go to hang out, check out McFadden's. Actually, McFadden's in any city is pretty much a hot-spot.


Morgan has a Gance-Off with an Irish Jigger

Gross moment of the evening:
This old, drunk, homeless dude was crawling around on the sidewalk, struggling to get up. Of course, we walked right by him, but this other nice old man stopped to help him out. We saw this, felt bad and went over to help out. The drunk bastard had no chance of getting up, but we didn't realize this until we had already tried to help him up. Needless to say, the guy wreaked of his own piss and shit, and I felt like Ace Ventura after he figures out Einhorn is a man. It was pretty nasty...

I also found out that I have no ability to distinguish between 16 to 21 year olds in the Midwest and that the Midwest has more MILF's than anywhere I've ever been besides La Jolla, CA.

BIGGS:
It's late, and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow- twerve hours of driving from The Nati to NYC. But first, a quick update on some parts not mentioned or glazed over in the Chicago Fire in Devo's Pants Part Two post. Tequila Roadhouse was like a yambo heaven. Picture a mix of about 60-70% dudes all looking to get seriously laid and pouncing on any fresh new meat that stepped into the establishment. Then you have a saddle set up in a corner with women grinding men, men grinding women, and women grinding women- add in a couple spotlights, a lot of alcohol, and you have yourself a stew... a hot, sweaty, eyes-glazing, eardrum bursting, ugly-bumping stew.

Just as we were attempting to get home at a reasonable hour, we (The Fantastic Three- now that Hot Knees was sweating back at the Hostel) found our services needed to help another damsel in distress give the run-around to another pushy guy that she had just met. We ventured into Walgreens, where there was a Gatorade Bowling tournament and then some covert hiding in the employee bathroom in order to give the pink slip to Pushy Guy #2. To thank us heroes, we were invited to the damsel's apartment for some mini liquor bottles (turns out they were flight attendants) and some of the more interesting and informative conversation we've had on the trip. Ed said it best when he described how they talk: "It is like they use the word 'Eww' instead of punctuation." For example: "Guys here don't tell her she's pretty, Eww, even though I'm always like 'Eww, you are SOOOO much better looking than those other sluts.'" Let's just say they they were not breaking down any stewardess stereotypes.

Celebrity and Pro-Athlete Alert. Just in case you are involved in a heated game of Twerve Degrees of Kevin Bacon, here is an interesting connection. One of the flight attendants that treated us to airline nips and frozen broccoli (another story for another day) claimed not only to be the girlfriend of Atlanta Brave Kelly Johnson ("His batting stance is so wierd, Eww.") but was also the cousin of Desperate Housewife and Frenchman Spur-dating Eva Longoria. Apparently there is some jealousy a-brewin' though because she didn't really want to talk about Ms. Longoria, despite our prodding. Anyway, hopefully by the end of our trip we will have at least four pros reading the blog (Papi, Teahen, Kelly, and Lou Brock). Holla.

By the time we escaped at 6am, the sun was out, and we were on our way to the Cincinnati for what turned out to be one of the more exciting games on the trip. More on that tomorrow... be prepared for an excessive amount of blogging since we have such a long car ride to NYC, we will try to get more pictures out as we receive them from various people's cameras and sometimes we will add pictures to old posts where they are most relevant, so be sure and check on past posts every once and a while, just in case. Finally, you may have noticed that we've sold out to google- it must have been all these corporate sponsored ballparks, but we felt like we needed to get in on some of the action (although the likelihood of it producing enough to pay for ONE toll is not likely). Stay Tuned and keep the comments coming.

"This could be you."
MORGAN:

Devo: "Is it weird that it now seems normal when Morgan wears his jean cutoffs?"

A few highlights from Chicago: our 2nd trip to the Second City (anyone know why it's called the Second City? Is there a first city?)

- Wrigley Field's a real beaut. The ivy was green as I'd pictured it, the bleacher seats above the apartments are one of a kind, and the inside/outside stadium atmosphere can't be beat.

Check out the bleachers on top of the buildings in left.


Old-fashioned scoreboard and all.

- Post-game, I did my second Gance with band accompaniment. This time, however, the band altered their lyrics to fit my gancing moves. Well, at least this is what Ed and Devo told me--I was in a zone and didn't really hear much. "Locked in" is what they call it in the sports world.

- Douche Chill photo op at Wrigley: Ed pretended to take a picture of myself, Devo, and an unsuspecting Blue Jays fan with his video camera. Of course, he was taking a video, and not a still picture. Nevertheless, our naive Canadian friend held a pose for a few minutes, and that pose involved holding me in his arms. We also substituted the traditional "say cheese!" for "hot knees!" and "hymen!". O' Canada didn't know what a hymen was, and we weren't going to be the ones to tell him. That's a parent's task.

"Say HYMEN!!!"

- one ListServe for that arse.
Eric "Devo" Devon's Nicknames on the Trip (not counting Devo)
1. Hot Knees
2. Baby Tit
3. The Human Douche Chill
4. Glenn Humplik
5. Cheshire Cat

- Newsflash: Chicago's a legit city. Beaches, Tall Towers, Chipotle, 2 ballclubs, 1 beaut of a field, and plenty of places to chech yourself post-game. Tequila Roadhouse... are you kidding me??

ERIC:

First off, let me say that Cubs gear instantly makes any girl hotter. I have no idea why this is, but it's the truth. We had an awesome time at the Cubs game and after. On our way back to our hostel, we saw a sketchy scene in a cab. As we were walking by, I said "Hey, there's a shirtless dude in the front of that cab." As we got closer, the girl in the back seat had a distressed look on her face, basically telling us that she wanted the dude in the front out. The cab driver gave us the same look, so we opened up the door and started talking to shirtless man. While we were talking to him, Morgan opened the back door, and began to usher the distressed girl out towards another cab. When shirtless guy got out and started chasing after her, we set up multiple road blocks, preventing him from catching up to her. She got back into the original cab Han Solo and took off. The shirtless dude just kept half-crying "WHYYYY???? WHY DID YOU DO THAAAAT??" He told us she was his girlfriend, but she said ex. We took her word for it, and then he punched a parking sign really hard, and we walked down the street looking for the next bar. We felt like the Fantastic Four, saving a damsel in distress.

There were not as many bars between Wrigley and our hostel as we thought, but we did run into a group of 20 year old girls who had just come from some late-night grub. Morgan was in the zone all night, as his earlier gancing will show. He started talking some sort of nonsense to these very cute, very young girls. They told us they were underage, so I told them that Morgan worked for the DMV and could hook them up. Morgan then proceeded to have a 20 minute monologue, explaining how he administers the driving test and giving each of them a symptom of bad driving ("You are lead foot. You just drive way too fast.") He also told them he uses his belt to measure the vehicle's distance from the curb during the parallel parking part of the test, which sometimes frightens females who are taking the test.

At this point, I was exhausted and ready for bed, while the rest of the boys decided to go out and party till 6 am. So I might have taken some flak for booking us a semi-sketchy hotel in St. Louis, but the hostel we stayed at in Chicago this time around had zero amenities, namely air conditioning. It did have a shitty fan, but when I got home to try to sleep, it was about 90 degrees outside, with 98% humidity and the power on the whole street had gone out. There was no way I could fall asleep, sweating bullets in the most uncomfortable bed ever, with the remains of a red bull still coursing through my body. It was not a happy situation. I'm not quite sure what time it was when I realized the fan was working again, but it was absolutely not doing ANYTHING to cool the room off. I checked it out, and the fan was spinning the WRONG WAY, blowing air UP instead of down. Once I solved that problem, though, I realized that the fan was just a piece of shit and I was going to probably sweat myself into unconsciousness.

I must have finally dozed off, when the boys came in at 6 am drunk as shit, and asking me if I'd ever had my shit pushed in by a richer. Yadda yadda yadda, we made our way to finally getting some shut eye as soon as Morgan made an unsuccessful attempt at rubbing one out.

More blank filling and pictures coming later today...

MORGAN:

K.C. Conversation piece between MoJo and the aforementioned AssRack (with or without Ranch dressing)

Me: "I used to babysit the Leonards...."
AssRack: "Oh, really?"
Me: "Yeah, when the kids acted out, I would just take them out to sandbox and make them lie face down for awhile."
AR: "Did they ever get up?"
Me:" One did."

Devo's now 25!! I'm sure he appreciated all the well-wishers and evil-doers. I was able to give him a free shot of jager on Sunday night, but the real present came a day later on the road to St. Louis. Have you ever stopped at a highway porno shop?? Neither had I, until Devo's present came a-calling. Biggie and I entered the windowless sketch joint called "Passions" and emerged with an unassuming green canister. Inside that canister?? Devo's first, and very own Pocket Vagina. Happy Birthday Eric!!

"Gee Morgan, thanks for the thoughtful gift!"

Onto to St. Louis, which pretty much solidified itself as the best baseball town in America. They gave huge standing ovations to a double-play in the 1st inning and a pitcher's at-bat in the 8th. Edgar Renteria had to step out of the batter's box and tip his helmet after a standing ovation--and he LEFT the team for more money!!

However, on this day, the game was almost secondary. Before the first pitch had even been thrown, we had all received special field passes from my sixth-grade teacher and current Cardinals hotshot Tim Hanser (flat-out one of the best people you'll ever meet) and treated ourselves to batting practice just a few feet away from the big boys.

Best... sixth-grade teacher... ever.

When the Red Sox finished hitting, Devo turned to us with a Cheshire Cat grin and said (quite seriously), "guys, can we just skip the game and go home and blog!!" No Devo, we cannot. However,--after I got my Cards hat signed by Jim Edmonds and Lou Brock, gave a fist pound to Johnny Damon, and admired Varitek's massive quads--I can hardly blame Eric "Hot Knees" Devon for the notion.

Just a bunch of idiots stretching. That Johnny D is so hot right now...


EDWARD:

Quick notes on the game-- Matt "Matty Mo" Morris was on fire. Complete game, 1ER, no walks against the potent Boston offense. Unfortunately he also led to the douche chill of Morgan and Devo singing, "Matty Mooooo, he's a vegeterian, Matty Mo, Matty Mo." As for Renteria's return, he hit into 2 DPs and commited an error... Douche Chill! We did watch his reunion with the St. Louis players, though, and he was greeted quite nicely, so let's hope he bounces back tonight.

Additional pre-game notes. David Ortiz... is... S-T-R-O-N-G. He hit some monster BP shots including one into the upperdeck walkway. He's also an absolutely fuckin' great guy and after Devo complimented his mango salsa (he has comcast ads in Beantown for such), he came over gave us some BP balls, and posed for a picture with the four of us.

And as you can see, he makes BI look like a malnourished midget in comparison. And we got Johnny D to come over and give us a Peace sign on Vidya Camera.

Time for your daily beer price update as requested by Mr. Dombrowski (by the way, congratulations on finishing the test, we'll see you and Pace at Shea for the final game of the trip). We have come across the best / most ridiculous beer deal yet. I don't think this one can be topped, at least not size wise. Get this-- 32 oz. for $9.00. 32 ("thirty-two") oz. (flippin' ounces)!!!! AKA two pounds!!! Are you kidding me? This was the conversation of Morgan and Devo after their first beer was done. (for those of you who are unaware, Devo has the reputation for having a very low alcohol tolerance)

Morgan: "Devo, how do you feel, you just drank almost 3 beers in one sitting!"
Devo: (huge grin, bright red face) "You kidding?! I'm hammered!!"

(**Side Note: We just went into a gas station rest stop and in the bathroom they sold cologne spritzes-- put in a quarter, press down on a dirty knob and get your choice of cheap cologne sprayed in your general direction. And then Morgan used our last toll money to buy a "Ring Tingler" from the condom dispensing machine. I swear, you can't take that guy anywhere.)

SuperSize Us update-- After our daily car eating marathon and our buckets o' beer, we made our way for a midnight meal of wings, onion rings, mini tacos, toasted ravioli, a grilled cheese (off the kids' menu for Devo), a French Dip, and a bucket of buds. A mere 11 hours later we were back on the road and eating Jack and the Box and Arbie's. My liver just kneed me in the balls.

BIG LARGEMAN:

Overheard in KC from a bumbling drunk: "Hey what are the first four words that come into your head when you think of (former KC CF, now Red Sock) Johnny Damon? ...haaaaaaaaircut."

St. Louis treated us with 90°F and 98% humidity upon arrival, and the permasweat started immediately. The Gateway Arch is a beautiful structure, and there is really not a bad angle to experience it from, although my favorite was definitely from inside Busch Stadium with 50,000 rabid fans cheering on their hometown Red Birds.


Devo managed to get us reservations at an Econo Lodge only a 15 minute walk from the arch and 25 minutes from the stadium, but led Mr. Hanser to ask: "Are you guys paying for that by the hour?" Yeah, one of "those" types of places for sure.

AMC (awkward man contact) Update: Devo just grabbed my bare foot because he thought it was a water bottle. If that doesn't send douche chills racing through your loins, then there is no G.O.B.

Once we arrived at the park, and first stepped onto the field, all was forgiven. I mean, how often do you get to see the tension in the air when Edgar Renteria greets his old teammates and manager for the first time since leaving for a better contract. Not only that but, in case nobody mentioned it already, we got to talk to David Ortiz, The Big Papi, himself. You couldn't have wiped the smiles off our face for the rest of the night if you had some windex and a squeegee. I also got to shake hands with Lou Brock, who seemed to think that he recognized me and stuck his hand out to shake mine. I always think that I'm going to be able to act cool when I see famous people and interact with them, but I always end up reverting back to being ten years old and giggling like a little schoolboy. There's no trading that feeling for anything.

Overheard this morning:
"Have you showered today?"
"No I'm fine, I just have a few mushrooms growing from my pubes and Ed picked one and ate it."

Since Ed has been busy dishing out Super Size Me updates, this is as good a time as any to talk about different signature dishes we have experienced in our travels. While the Lou may be the best or second best baseball town, their signature toasted ravioli are definitely lacking any real character and leave one feeling like maybe they would have rather had a V8. KC barbecue was delicious in all its succulent, spicy, sweet, vinegariness and definitely worth the subsequent gastrointestinal turbulence. Chicago deep-dish is worth trying, but it's as played out as beta-max. Pittsburgh's pierogies were better than the toasted raviolis but definitely paled in comparison to the broasted (read: baked and roasted) chicken of iowa (think fried chicken, but moister and full of tempting flavor and aroma). Still with all of this, the best cuisine in in the opinion of this modest blogger, would have to be the greasy, oily, cheesy, oniony cornucopia of goodness that is a "cheesesteak wit'" in the City of Brotherly Love.

Bad Joke of the Day:
Upon seeing a DiGiorno trailer on a Mac Truck-
Devo: "Hey is that a delivery truck?"


Goodbye from St. Louis and the Ambiguous Acrobats, stay tuned for Chicago II: The Last Temptation of "Hot Knees"...