Twerve Days of Baseball

MORGAN:

K.C. Conversation piece between MoJo and the aforementioned AssRack (with or without Ranch dressing)

Me: "I used to babysit the Leonards...."
AssRack: "Oh, really?"
Me: "Yeah, when the kids acted out, I would just take them out to sandbox and make them lie face down for awhile."
AR: "Did they ever get up?"
Me:" One did."

Devo's now 25!! I'm sure he appreciated all the well-wishers and evil-doers. I was able to give him a free shot of jager on Sunday night, but the real present came a day later on the road to St. Louis. Have you ever stopped at a highway porno shop?? Neither had I, until Devo's present came a-calling. Biggie and I entered the windowless sketch joint called "Passions" and emerged with an unassuming green canister. Inside that canister?? Devo's first, and very own Pocket Vagina. Happy Birthday Eric!!

"Gee Morgan, thanks for the thoughtful gift!"

Onto to St. Louis, which pretty much solidified itself as the best baseball town in America. They gave huge standing ovations to a double-play in the 1st inning and a pitcher's at-bat in the 8th. Edgar Renteria had to step out of the batter's box and tip his helmet after a standing ovation--and he LEFT the team for more money!!

However, on this day, the game was almost secondary. Before the first pitch had even been thrown, we had all received special field passes from my sixth-grade teacher and current Cardinals hotshot Tim Hanser (flat-out one of the best people you'll ever meet) and treated ourselves to batting practice just a few feet away from the big boys.

Best... sixth-grade teacher... ever.

When the Red Sox finished hitting, Devo turned to us with a Cheshire Cat grin and said (quite seriously), "guys, can we just skip the game and go home and blog!!" No Devo, we cannot. However,--after I got my Cards hat signed by Jim Edmonds and Lou Brock, gave a fist pound to Johnny Damon, and admired Varitek's massive quads--I can hardly blame Eric "Hot Knees" Devon for the notion.

Just a bunch of idiots stretching. That Johnny D is so hot right now...


EDWARD:

Quick notes on the game-- Matt "Matty Mo" Morris was on fire. Complete game, 1ER, no walks against the potent Boston offense. Unfortunately he also led to the douche chill of Morgan and Devo singing, "Matty Mooooo, he's a vegeterian, Matty Mo, Matty Mo." As for Renteria's return, he hit into 2 DPs and commited an error... Douche Chill! We did watch his reunion with the St. Louis players, though, and he was greeted quite nicely, so let's hope he bounces back tonight.

Additional pre-game notes. David Ortiz... is... S-T-R-O-N-G. He hit some monster BP shots including one into the upperdeck walkway. He's also an absolutely fuckin' great guy and after Devo complimented his mango salsa (he has comcast ads in Beantown for such), he came over gave us some BP balls, and posed for a picture with the four of us.

And as you can see, he makes BI look like a malnourished midget in comparison. And we got Johnny D to come over and give us a Peace sign on Vidya Camera.

Time for your daily beer price update as requested by Mr. Dombrowski (by the way, congratulations on finishing the test, we'll see you and Pace at Shea for the final game of the trip). We have come across the best / most ridiculous beer deal yet. I don't think this one can be topped, at least not size wise. Get this-- 32 oz. for $9.00. 32 ("thirty-two") oz. (flippin' ounces)!!!! AKA two pounds!!! Are you kidding me? This was the conversation of Morgan and Devo after their first beer was done. (for those of you who are unaware, Devo has the reputation for having a very low alcohol tolerance)

Morgan: "Devo, how do you feel, you just drank almost 3 beers in one sitting!"
Devo: (huge grin, bright red face) "You kidding?! I'm hammered!!"

(**Side Note: We just went into a gas station rest stop and in the bathroom they sold cologne spritzes-- put in a quarter, press down on a dirty knob and get your choice of cheap cologne sprayed in your general direction. And then Morgan used our last toll money to buy a "Ring Tingler" from the condom dispensing machine. I swear, you can't take that guy anywhere.)

SuperSize Us update-- After our daily car eating marathon and our buckets o' beer, we made our way for a midnight meal of wings, onion rings, mini tacos, toasted ravioli, a grilled cheese (off the kids' menu for Devo), a French Dip, and a bucket of buds. A mere 11 hours later we were back on the road and eating Jack and the Box and Arbie's. My liver just kneed me in the balls.

BIG LARGEMAN:

Overheard in KC from a bumbling drunk: "Hey what are the first four words that come into your head when you think of (former KC CF, now Red Sock) Johnny Damon? ...haaaaaaaaircut."

St. Louis treated us with 90°F and 98% humidity upon arrival, and the permasweat started immediately. The Gateway Arch is a beautiful structure, and there is really not a bad angle to experience it from, although my favorite was definitely from inside Busch Stadium with 50,000 rabid fans cheering on their hometown Red Birds.


Devo managed to get us reservations at an Econo Lodge only a 15 minute walk from the arch and 25 minutes from the stadium, but led Mr. Hanser to ask: "Are you guys paying for that by the hour?" Yeah, one of "those" types of places for sure.

AMC (awkward man contact) Update: Devo just grabbed my bare foot because he thought it was a water bottle. If that doesn't send douche chills racing through your loins, then there is no G.O.B.

Once we arrived at the park, and first stepped onto the field, all was forgiven. I mean, how often do you get to see the tension in the air when Edgar Renteria greets his old teammates and manager for the first time since leaving for a better contract. Not only that but, in case nobody mentioned it already, we got to talk to David Ortiz, The Big Papi, himself. You couldn't have wiped the smiles off our face for the rest of the night if you had some windex and a squeegee. I also got to shake hands with Lou Brock, who seemed to think that he recognized me and stuck his hand out to shake mine. I always think that I'm going to be able to act cool when I see famous people and interact with them, but I always end up reverting back to being ten years old and giggling like a little schoolboy. There's no trading that feeling for anything.

Overheard this morning:
"Have you showered today?"
"No I'm fine, I just have a few mushrooms growing from my pubes and Ed picked one and ate it."

Since Ed has been busy dishing out Super Size Me updates, this is as good a time as any to talk about different signature dishes we have experienced in our travels. While the Lou may be the best or second best baseball town, their signature toasted ravioli are definitely lacking any real character and leave one feeling like maybe they would have rather had a V8. KC barbecue was delicious in all its succulent, spicy, sweet, vinegariness and definitely worth the subsequent gastrointestinal turbulence. Chicago deep-dish is worth trying, but it's as played out as beta-max. Pittsburgh's pierogies were better than the toasted raviolis but definitely paled in comparison to the broasted (read: baked and roasted) chicken of iowa (think fried chicken, but moister and full of tempting flavor and aroma). Still with all of this, the best cuisine in in the opinion of this modest blogger, would have to be the greasy, oily, cheesy, oniony cornucopia of goodness that is a "cheesesteak wit'" in the City of Brotherly Love.

Bad Joke of the Day:
Upon seeing a DiGiorno trailer on a Mac Truck-
Devo: "Hey is that a delivery truck?"


Goodbye from St. Louis and the Ambiguous Acrobats, stay tuned for Chicago II: The Last Temptation of "Hot Knees"...