Twerve Days of Baseball

First... from urbandictionary.com
1. douche chill
the awkward cold feeling a girl gets when cleaning her cooch. used as slang to describe something awkward.
ex.
bob: yo tom i heard you banged some really fat chick last nite.
tom: yeah it was your sister.
dick: DOUCHE CHILL!

2. gancing
Derived from the adj. gay & verb dance. Dancing by a man or men including but not limited to: hands on hips, stylish leg kicks and extensive gyrations. Can be performed anywhere including on the hoods of taxis, revolving doors, and in beer gardens.

BIGGIE:
We all enjoyed Chicago Part One, and I'm pretty sure Chicago enjoyed us. We rolled into the Magnificent Miracle Mile Millennium Marriot Friday afternoon. This marks the first time we have had to pay for lodging, and we did it in style, plus we had some coupons, so that's nice if you like that kind of thing. We treated ourselves to a heated game of basketball, followed by Spa-tacular pool/ steam room duo to round out the trifecta. Quickly browsed the Wanktravision lineup in the room- our favorite titles included: Hairless Honeydrippers, 100% Sex: No Plot Just Sex, and Ghettobooty 14- and then got ready for The Field Formerly Known As Comiskey Park. Hopped the subway eight or nine stops, arrived at US Cellulite Field just in time for opening fireworks, but didn't get to our seats until the third inning because trying to actually get into the park is more difficult than gancing into Fort Knox with a bazooka in your pocket.

Once inside, we threw a couple pitches for the radar gun and then spent the next couple of minutes convincing ourselves that the gun must've been wrong. Then Mojo tried to get our tickets upgraded from the stratosphere to somewhere we could actually watch the game and we were told that it would cost us $10 each at which point he began to pull up his shirt and ask the male ticket attendant "How about if I do this?" until he was exposing his nipples.

At some point the attendant in a aureola-induced trance gave us the upgrades for free, and we were on our way.

Oh yeah, in between all of the fireworks, fan quizzes, free towel naming, and usher harassment, there was a baseball game, and it was exciting, capped by a winning three run tater by Coco Crisp.

Editor's Note: Below is a summary of the game taken from espn.com. Coco Crisp (best name in baseball) did not in fact win the game. In fact, the Sox won, NOT the Indians. Nice fact-checking Biggie....

Hernandez (6-1) gave up four runs and six hits in six innings, including a game-tying three-run homer to Coco Crisp in the third. Neal Cotts pitched two shutout innings of relief and Dustin Hermanson pitched the ninth for his 12th save in as many chances.

After the game, we refueled at M-cubed (Mag. Mile Marriot) and then it was out to explore the nightlife in this strange new world. Shouts and thanks go out to native Chicagoans Kanye West, Common, Dana Gordon, and her friend who gave us some money bar suggestions. We first hit Rockit, and Rockit hit us back. Countless beers and shots later, we were watching two engaged girls make out with each other and wondering why we had never been to Chicago sooner. From Rockit we moved to Howl at the Moon next door-- a piano bar with way to many people and lots of questionable guest vocalists from the crowd. For Bostonians: think Jake Ivory's meets Karaoke Night at your local VFW. We stayed there long enough to watch one of the bachelorettes fall flat on her tailbone which led us to believe that maybe she had enough to drink.

We caught a cab to Belmont, where we found a bar, but spent most of our time outside watching Mojo gance in the streets with cars and cabs and trashed people. I think he was inspired after a girl that he had been talking to for a while asked Ed if he (MLJ) was gay. We then laughed ourselves back to the hotel and passed out in our clothes, or at least I did.


Chicago solidified itself as my favorite stop on the trip when we woke up to blue skies, minimal smog, and a Dunkin Donuts two blocks from the hotel. We walked to the Ohio St. beach, caught a quick tan, oogled a couple MILFs, had a quick jaunt (read: gance) inside the Medal of Honor Park and then did a lap around the Navy Pier- a cookie cutter tourist attraction with lots of kids, parents, and police boats looking for "evidence." Once again, we had a little detour (read: gance) into the Beer Garden for some live music and Mojo became an instant celebrity. Before getting the hell out of the Windy City and on our way to the Field of Dreams, we grabbed some Chipotle burritos (one of my personal favorites). Now into the heartland, things are about to get interesting.